The Hardest Thing...Ever

Things changed this weekend in my relationship. Sarah told her mom about her and us.

After having a bad day and being in a horrible mood, everything came rushing out of her in a tear filled tirade. And who could blame her? After having to hide such a big part of her life for years, seriously who could blame her? At first her mom took it pretty well, but as the days have passed things have begun to sink in and as I've experienced...it gets increasingly harder for a little bit.

It's hard because you feel guilty for 'disturbing the so-called peace' in their lives. You blame yourself, you beat yourself up, you can hardly eat or sleep because you feel so uneasy about everything. It's like you are at their mercy because you said your part...and now you just have to wait to hear what they say and ask. It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through, but in the end it makes you a MUCH stronger person. You really find out what you're made of.

I feel helpless just sitting an hour and a half away, listening to her voice quiver and her nose sniffle trying to fight back more tears. I've been there, but everyone's journey is different. I am trying to be as supportive and reassuring as possible, but it's hard to get her to listen when she feels so miserable and helpless. IT DOES GET BETTER!! It's just extremely hard at first...but it does get better.

Your parents love you no matter what, but you obviously feel like you've let everyone down. You haven't though. It's just a different path than what everyone else had planned for you. Sometimes people get so caught up in what they want that they forget to ask you what YOU want. What makes YOU happy?

If given the choice, I don't think either of us would have ever been like "Oooh do I want to be gay? Yes, please...sign me up." It doesn't work like that though.Your life kind of chooses you. If it means someone feels differently about you after the fact, then fuck them. But your parents are your parents and they're going to love you regardless of how you live your life. Parents and their children disagree on things...it happens. But you have to live your life the way your heart tells you. Not how everyone else thinks you should.

My heart is breaking for her right now and I wish I could just take all the pain and nervousness away because I remember quite vividly how awful it was to feel like that. Keep your head high and have patience.... You are loved very much.

IT WILL GET BETTER!!!

That's Where It Is

In a midnight talk, in a morning kiss,
When I'm in your arms, that's where it is,
When we're tangled up and can't resist,
When we feel that rush, that's where it is...

Slackers

Everyone I follow on Blogger has been slacking severely in the blogging dept. Myself included I suppose. I guess it's just that time of year!

I have been a busy little bee since last Thursday!!!

Thursday was super duper special in that it was mine and Sarah's 6 month anniversary!!! I drove down to Charlotte and got us a room for the night. She met me there after work and it was just nice to spend the evening together enjoying each other's company and laughing and reminiscing about the past 6 months and everything we've done together. It was a great night :)

The next morning she had to leave for work and I had to leave for Myrtle Beach for my tournament. What a long and boring drive MB is. I listened to music the whole way and thought about how badly I wished Sarah were in the car next to me and going to the beach with me.

The tournament was good. We won the whole thing. The girls got to spend some time at the beach and at the pool at the hotel. We had good food and drinks the whole time. It was a much needed trip for the team, and I'm so happy everyone had such a fun time!

As much fun as it was, there was of course something missing. I was having a good time, but the whole time in my mind all I could think about was how I wanted to be enjoying it with Sarah. Until you feel this way about someone, it's easy to go away for the weekend and enjoy yourself blah blah blah. But in our case, it kind of sucks. You go places and do things and you just want to share it with the person you love. We've both been on beach trips now this year, but none together.

I'm pretty sure we're gonna find a way to make it happen though. I just want to be able to go and have that relaxed, sun-kissed, beachy feeling and be able to share it with her. I can't wait!!!

Refreshed

Last night I had the privilege of watching one of the most interesting and beautiful sunsets I've yet to see at my new apartment. My building sits on the third highest point in Greensboro and offers a a wide open view of the west and north, including the entire airport property. Day in and day out, when I get home from work, I get to sit back and prop my feet up and watch the sun go down and the planes take off. It is truly remarkable some days... like last night.

So I'm kind of a weather geek and get overly excited when it's going to storm. I've been obsessed with weather since I can remember. Some kids drew smiley faces on their Light Brights... Well this kid pretended it was a radar screen and would use the little colored pegs to create "storm cells." Told you...I'm a weather geek! Whatever...

The weather was weird this weekend. It was supposed to storm and rain the whole time, but instead of was just overcast but never really rained or stormed consistently. But on Sunday, the skies cleared a little and allowed the sun to peak through until late afternoon, when a shower came through and a front approached. When I got home yesterday evening, I could see some storms forming in the distance as the sun set.

 

It was gorgeous and this picture really doesn't do it justice. I sat there, in the still air and watched as the sun slowly continued to sink towards the horizon. It was the slowest moving storm I've ever seen form. But as the sun continued to go down, it only got prettier.

 

With the last rays of the sun barely peeking over the mountains in the horizon, the clouds grew darker and darker. I was annoying the pure hell out of my roommate by demanding he come watch this sunset too. I mean, it was just too cool to not watch. So there we sat. Him watching quietly and peacefully, while I rambled on and on about how cool the clouds looked.

With the sun virtually gone, the clouds really popped and looked both ominous and beautiful at the same time. It still appeared way off in the distance, but I could see the various rain bands. We continued to sit there and talk...I continued ooh-ing and aww-ing over the sight in front of me. Finally it got close enough to where you could really see the details in the clouds. At one point, the edge of the storm looked like there were 3 or 4 funnel clouds dropping. They were only really low clouds, but it was still neat to look at. But finally it got so close it looked like I could reach out and touch the clouds.

This picture makes it look like it was still far away, but trust me, it looked as though it was right in front of my face just inches from the balcony. As it closed in, I told Jacob that this was my favorite part and he asked why. I love when you're sitting there waiting on a storm. You can hear it in the distance, but where you are the air is still and quiet...sometimes sticky with humidity. But then the most amazing part happens. All of a sudden it's there. You hear the first nice gust of wind rustle the leaves in the all the surrounding trees. The air drastically changes in a matter of seconds and then it hits you. That cool breeze sweeps across your face and it's like a breath of fresh air.

No matter what kind of day I'm having, when that happens it instantly soothes my soul and brings about this inner peace. It's as if my busy world rewards me with that moment of instant refreshment. 

Well this has been one of my more dorky posts, but whatever. I appreciate the little things...and weather is just one of those things that will forever fascinate me!

Happy Monday...bring on the storms!!!

I'm Here, You're There...But Here We Are

I woke up in a rather foul mood this morning for unknown reasons really. I wake up every morning missing Sarah, but today was more brutal than others for some reason. Just put me in a bad/weird mood for a little bit.  It also doesn't help that she's down at the beach soaking up the rays and I'm in flippin' Greesnboro staring at the cloudy skies.

Look weather, either or rain and storm or clear up. I don't mind storms, but this cloudy ish needs to stop. It's cramping my style!

It's hard when she goes on trips with her friends. I want her to go and have fun and all that jazz. But what gets me is that I want to be doing those things with her. I knew our schedules would probably be opposites this summer...which they more or less have been thus far. That's ok. As they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I have definitely become a firm believer in this statement.

Being in a relationship where we have spent more time apart than we have together, yet still feeling the way we do for each other day in and day out has absolutely blown my mind. I know we are apart a lot, however it never really feels that way in the grand scheme of things. There are a million reminders every day. Certain songs and things I see that bring her to me. Even though miles separate us, nothing stands in the way of the feelings we share.

I've never ever felt things like this before. I'm not being cliche or corny. I just honestly have never felt this kind of thing before. Where I'm apart from someone, yet with them at the same time. I swear we have ESP or something. We think and say the same things at the same time. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night for no reason at all...something just wakes me up. And I either call her and she's up too, or we talk about it the next day and it happens that she was up at the same time. There are all these little things about us that add up to this HUGE connection we have that I believe won't be broken.

Bumps in the road? Sure...plenty. There will always be bumps. 50 years from now there will be bumps. I just love that even though I'm here...and she is there. We are always still together. It's an intriguing experience. Something I've never known, but am so glad to go through.

Every day, every day, every day...we are with each other every day.

I Want It All

I'm frustrated.

I want what I want, and I want it now. Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds. But I'm throwing a fit regardless. There are certain things that I want. Right nowwwww. I want them to happen today. Tomorrow even. I want to know certain things. I want something to be in sight. I want it all. This is a weak moment, but we all have them. I'll find a distraction and be over it in a little bit. I hate feeling weak like this.

Thank you, Jack Johnson...

Whenever

Love, through the trees, past the sky
Beyond the northern lights.
You're the same, my delight
Reflecting in your eyes
And I won't let go, if you wait for me
Whenever, wherever
And then you, select the day, selection
Wherever, whenever

We'll go
Wherever, whenever
We'll go
I wanna love forever, love forever, baby.
Wherever, wherever you wanna go
Do-do whatever, do whatever baby
Wherever, wherever, forever together

I fell asleep, don't know why
You let me come alive
You and me, we collide
Ignite the starry fire
And you warm me up, and you wait for it
Whenever, whenever
And then you wake me up, and you wait for it
Whenever, whenever

I wanna go
Wherever, whenever
I wanna go
I wanna love forever, love forever, baby.
Wherever, wherever you wanna go
Do-do whatever, do whatever baby
Wherever, wherever, forever together
Whenever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever

I love you forever and ever and always I love you
Whenever you need me
I'll be there right by you
Whenever you call me
I'm there when you call
Whenever you're falling
I'm there when you fall
Wherever your going
I'll be right there showing
Our love's always growing and growing and growing
I know that you know it, there's no need for guessing
When I am requesting, I'm there with no questions
As... I'll go, wherever, whenever
If ever, you need me, I'll be here
Forever

Hurry Up May

I'm sitting here with a grumbling tummy that is demanding food. And soon! In between hunger pangs I keep thinking about how I wish May was over already. Sarah and I's schedules are completely opposite this month. She's gone on my weekends off and I'm gone when she's not out of town. Oopsies.

Hopefully June isn't as bad, but I knew summer would be different than the winter, because let's face it...there is just much more fun stuff to do in the summer!

-Pause- I just got the stupid f*in splinter out of my finger that's been there for two days. HOORAY!

Anywho..

So yea...I knew summer would be tough, but so far it's ok. I'm learning that there will always be ups and downs in relationships. Some downs are worse than others...that's just life. But I'm also learning to just focus on the love you have with someone instead of the negative. Sometimes we think too much. Sometimes we worry about others too much and forget about ourselves. It's the hustle and bustle of life that sometimes distracts us from what's most important. And sometimes it takes some scary conversations and long, painful days to be reminded of what is most important--the love the two of you share.

There will always be bumps in the road and I'm learning more and more to accept that and not treat it like the end of the world. Did I mention I hate conflict? :) I'm a lover not a fighter that is for sure. I can be feisty, but for the most part I'm the one keeping everyone chilled out.

Basketball has really been on my nerves recently. The girls aren't playing well, we're losing games, and fingers are being pointed. Fingers from those people that I've trusted most, which is kind of a let down. I just don't understand how you blame the VOLUNTEER, 23 YEAR OLD coach for everything. I mean, I'm the easy target and my skin is thick enough to handle it all, but I mean really people? These kids are 12. I will get them where they want to be.

I'm dealing with girls going through puberty right now though. And let me tell you what...sometimes I want to strangle them and their attitudes. Ahhh the joys of parenting in the future :) My sweet little children will grow up to be mommy-hating heathens during this time.

Just yesterday at our annual Mother's Day tea party, my mom was saying how she is going to laugh so hard when my children put me through what Katie and I put her through. Parents put up with a lot and ultimately get the last laugh. I'll be a good parent some day.

This has been a little random, but it's what's going through my head. Fortunately it's time for lunch, so I will wrap up this string of thoughts. Oh one more thing....this new bra from Target is uhhhh-mazing. Sporting double-D's today haha...not sure if I could have boobs that were actually this big though.

Ok, shutting up now.

Love is not finding someone to live with; It’s finding someone you can’t live without
Rafael Ortiz

Cinco de Longest Day EVERRRR

Holy shmokes, this has been the longest day ever. Normally Thursdays aren't so bad...but DAMN! If this is any indication of how tomorrow is going to go, I might just not wake up tomorrow.

I am so bored, that I'm going to write this post. And it will make absolutely NO sense, so don't even try. Every thought that pops in my head, I'm going to type.

Ready?

It's only 4:33..f*ck
::singing Ke$ha::
My arm itches
I'm on my 4th diet coke of the day...I think I have a small addiction problem
Something around my desk smells like whiskey. It's int he garbage can. Who knew old fruit cups form chic fil a, diet coke and salt and vinegar chips combined to smell like bourbon? Now I know.
-censored thought- x5
another censored thought
::singing Ke$ha::
omg it's only 4:36...3 minutes have gone by?!?!?!
this smell is overwhelming
I'm a very lucky girl
how am I going to smuggle in peanuts tonight?
need stuff for margaritas
i hate flaky people
this song is kinda deep
I miss my leather journal
-censored thought-
i miss your voice
what would happen if nothing bad every happened in life? would we be bored or infinitely happy?
it would be so cool to be a vampire...specifically a Cullen bc then you're hot
ugh I'm sick of these emails
DIRTY BIT :singing Black Eyed Peas:
I haven't done karaoke in FOREVER
i miss college...but not really, ok kinda
wtf is a krackle?
this song reminds me of nov. 19...
-censored thought-
haha whole string of censored thoughts
OMG today is the 2-year anniversary of my foot surgery...gross
4:42 UGHHHHHHH
i miss sarah like crazyyyy
i love when certain smells take you back to a time and place that was significant in your life
YES TIME TO GO SINCE I RODE WITH JACOB. Peace out mutha f........

I will probably delete this later haha.