Post-Visit Blues

It never fails. The days immediately following after I see Sarah are just rough. I'm not really outwardly upset or anything like that. It's all definitely internal. I just get the blues..

When we get to spend time together, it's like the world finally clicks. My life feels like every piece is there. Not to be cliche, but when we're apart I honestly feel like a piece of me is missing. But as soon as I see her face for the first time, breathe in all her smells and get my arms around her, everything falls back into place and I feel a hundred times stronger.

I think this go around has been especially heavy on my mind because of what is going on this weekend for her--her brother's wedding. To be honest, I'm scared to death of this weekend. All along I've known this weekend was approaching and now it's finally here. Her whole family will be in town, she'll be surrounded by a bunch of stuffy girls with their cute sundresses, expensive jewelry and their rich, snobby boyfriends. Yay... That's the way things are down there and with it comes the pressure to conform to that exact lifestyle. She struggles with it a lot. She wants to be "normal." Everyone wants to be "normal." Hell, even I would love to be "normal" ... but, my life went down a different path. A path that was difficult, but has actually opened more doors than I ever could have imagine, introduced me to some amazing people, given me some amazing friends and has made me grow into a more mature, more thoughtful and open-minded person.

The journey is long and it is rough. There are setbacks and bumps and twists and turns. But as long as you stay focused, you'll be fine. I'm just worried that the pressure will be wicked intense this weekend. And it's even harder for me to think about because I won't get to talk to her that much. Hardly at all really...

How will I know what's going through her mind? How will I know how she's dealing with seeing her brother get married and I'm sure feeling guilty about shit she shouldn't feel guilty about? I don't want her to freak out on me because of all of this. I so badly just want her to enjoy seeing her big brother make the commitment to the one he loves. I wish she would see it that way instead of just GUY and GIRL getting married because that's what's supposed to happen. I hope she sees it as just two PEOPLE who love each other and have made the decision to profess that love and spend their lives living happily with each other.

I have a tournament this weekend. The last one of the season. Nationals. I'm not even looking forward to it. The only thing I can think about this weekend is her and what she'll be going through. I'm not even excited about basketball. When I think about this weekend, my stomach turns to knots and I feel like I'm going to be sick.

I'll keep saying this until I'm blue in the face... I hate what she is going through. I want to take it all away. Deal with it for her. I've really been thinking about talking to her parents. I doubt her Dad has anything to say to me, so probably more of talking to her Mom. It's really been eating at me lately because I don't think it's fair for only Sarah to have to deal with their poking and prodding. I feel like I can help answer some things, shed some light on things, but most importantly apologize. I feel so bad about it that I dream about it sometimes. I've met them so many times I already remember their faces so well. I know their expressions, I can hear their voices in my head. I really like them a lot and hopefully will have them in my life. It actually makes me sad when Sarah tells me her mom is upset because I remember all of that. I don't want that for her mom either. So I really have this feeling building up inside me that I need/want to sit down and talk with them. They haven't seen me since Easter or since Sarah told them. I don't even know if they would want to talk to me though. It would be a very tough conversation and words can't describe how nervous I would be, but I feel like it needs to happen.

After this wedding is over, it will be all they really have to focus on. So I think it would be a good time to bring me into the picture officially. I don't know... I don't know how Sarah feels. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I just know that I want everything to be ok and I know in time it will be, I just have to keep reminding Sarah of that.

She's doing well with it whether she knows/believes it or not.

Tough times don't last, but tough people do... That keeps playing through my head over and over and over because it's true.

I can't write about this anymore. I'm trying not to think about it anymore, but that's very hard. When someone looks at you and says don't think about a cheeseburger....what's the first thing you think of? Right.

This week is going to be hard for me. Internally. I foresee me going into my little 'dark place' for a few days until I know how everything is going to unfold. Which of course means quality time in front of the tv watching the Twilight movies. I'm so cool!