Outta sight, outta mind

I wrote out an entire post, but deleted it all after re-reading it.

Sometimes I re-read stuff and it sounds ridiculous. I'll try and sum it up though since I just kind of teased everyone (all 9 of you, or whoever reads this).

Sometimes I push my own buttons. I don't like when other people push my buttons, yet I push my own sometimes. Makes perfect sense, eh?


I'll look at something...read something...something I know that upsets me every time, yet I continue to put myself through it. It's like a part of you hopes that one day it won't affect you anymore. And to be honest, sometimes I don't let it bug me. But today I did.

I'm sick. I'm exhausted. I'm mentally fatigued. I'm anxious. There's little things picking at my brain that are pissing me off and I can feel it rising inside me. Then it's like I knowingly send myself over the edge and make myself angry. Normally I do a really good job of keeping myself in check. I stop myself when I feel myself getting angry or upset and assess what's really going on. Usually I can talk myself down. But when all the factors that I just mentioned hit me at one time, I think it's beyond my control. I hate it, but I'm not the emotional superman.

I'm harder on myself than I think anyone knows. When I'm upset or angry with someone/at something, I also get mad at myself for letting it get to me. I probably shouldn't, but it's just how I feel. I enjoy maintaining an even keel the majority of the time.

Everyone wishes they could just get out of their own head sometimes. I just feel that sometimes that's impossible. Well, technically speaking it IS impossible. But usually, you decompress by resting or sleeping and I think lately I haven't been able to do that for a variety of reasons. I've definitely noticed a difference in myself the past week or so, though. I feel like I've had a short fuse, which is majorly uncharacteristic of me.

I'll be back to normal soon though. Things are going to settle and I'll re-read this post and make fun of myself :)

Less than 2 weeks :)

My best friend is moving here in two weeks and I can't wait.

I. Can't. Wait.

Here's to lots of these moments...

Can you feel the love?

Rainy Hump Day

Sounds enticing eh? Rainy hump day!

Not so much. When I say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, I mean I woke up on the wrong side and wrong end of the bed. To whoever crosses my path today, I'm sorry in advance. I don't want to talk, I don't want to think and I sure as hell don't feel like doing anything other than going back to bed.

You were warned.

Restless doesn't begin to cover last night. Sleepless? ...getting warmer. I fell asleep for about an hour. Then woke up and tossed and turned for about two hours. Fell back asleep at some point only to be woken up by the spectacular show mother nature was putting on. Thanks lady...but 5 am really isn't the time. Thunder so violent and loud that all the car alarms in the complex were going off. Just another reason why I'm a cranky bitch today.

With all the rain that came down, all the pine needles I normally walk Lexi on were washed away. Which left red clay... and OF COURSE Lexi had to walk IN the clay...not on the wet grass, but in the sticky red dirt which is now caked under her nails and all over my bathroom floor.

Thank you Wednesday, you've been great thus far...

I'm sleeping until Halloween.

Family Ties

Sometimes you think that you and your sibling are so incredibly different that you couldn't possibly be from the same mother and father. When I was younger, my sister used to tell me that they were aliens and I was adopted (I think she meant abducted). There were times growing up I believed her. How could I possibly be from the same genes they were? But over time it made more sense.

I had my mom's porcelain skin and full, blushed cheeks. Legs that stretch for miles and small features like hands and feet. A smaller build, but curves to make me feel like a woman. My dad's athletic ability (thank God haha) and his way of dealing with emotions. His facial expressions and sense of humor. I'm not sure where I got my daredevilish, push the limits, manipulate you without you knowing ways. My mom's mother's ability to get myself in sticky situations to laugh about later.

Katie got dad's dirty blonde hair (let's hope she doesn't lose her hair like him haha). My mom's compassion and desire to please everyone. My dad's mom's cooking abilities. My dad's strong sense of family tradition. Tanner skin from my dad. Mom's way of making a house feel like a home.

So there we were growing up. Katie was into books and classical music. I remember riding in her car and Aaron Copeland would somehow be playing and I'd roll my eyes and put in MY cd. I was into legos, Star Wars and playing light sabers. Roller hockey? Yes please! Baking cookies with my friends at sleepovers? I'll pass..  In the summer when school was out she wanted to watch A Baby Story or some girly movie on Lifetime. I wanted to watch Cartoons and re-runs from the 90s. I went to basketball tournaments and she went to band competitions. But we supported each other. I was probably more reluctant...because let's be honest...a spin move for an 'and one' is just more exciting than a Drum Major's salute ;)

There were things we did together though. We played kickball and flashlight tag, we'd decorate Christmas cookies together, brainstorm on ideas for presents for mom and dad. Sometimes we'd even do things we weren't supposed to!! ...and then she would run and tell mom and dad haha. On Christmas eve we'd sleep in the same room and watch A Christmas Story OVER AND OVER AND OVER. We'd sneak downstairs to see all the presents that were put out.

But eventually the 4 year gap caught up with us. She was in high school and I was in middle school. We were in two VERY different places and spent a lot of time apart. I was always going somewhere for basketball and she was dating some college boy named Tom. Then she got married. And I went away to college. And something amazing happened. We were both adults!!!

We learned we had much more in common than we thought. Now we could go out and have a glass of wine together. We could watch scary movies and not shit our pants. She had a house I could come over and hang out at. We could drink beer, eat pizza and play games. WITHOUT FIGHTING! Hahaha it was amazing. And still is.

So...there was a time that I really thought "hey...maybe they ARE aliens because look how different I am..." My sister is in the likes of Martha Stewart and Julia Childs. If there was a cooking show based around ramen noodles and stir-fry that'd be me! No matter how different we are, we are in fact from the same family and even sometimes share the same brain.

This was reaffirmed this morning... Love ya, sis!

What A Week..

This has been quite a week. Remember how I said I was afraid to be happy? Well, life is quick to remind you that it is still there, lurking suspiciously around the corner waiting to surprise you and burst your little happy bubble. Let's recap:

Trey's car was towed
Apartment screws up our rent payment
Apartment informs us that we won't get referral credit after they told us we would
Motorcycle scheduled to be towed, NOT towed
Front brakes on car are shot
Basketball parents go crazy....EVEN AFTER WE WON (wtf?)

These are just a few of the things going on. Tonight, I'm heading down to Charlotte to stay with Sarah and move some things up tomorrow. Her parents will be there. Both of them. I am beyond nervous. I can't put a finger on exactly what it is I'm nervous about. It's the first time I've met them THIS way. Last time I saw them was Easter...before they knew who I really was and before Sarah told them everything. I really do like her parents a lot; I'm both excited and nervous to see them. I know it's different for moms and dads. Moms understand their children in a different way than a father does. The bonds you form between the two are different.

I just want to be taken seriously. That this isn't just some THING. I sure as hell don't take this lightly... I'm just trying to remember to breathe. I'm sure my pulse will be racing, my palms will be sweaty, I'll be speaking quickly, but I NEED to do this. It's time for it to happen.


I'm just going to be myself...or the nervous version of myself haha

My Roomie

Love seems to be flowing all around me these days... Maybe it's the changing seasons or something...not sure. The weather has everyone feelin' frisky!! :)

Today my roommate took a huge step in his life. Well...it started with a ring that he purchased. Yes...THE ring. For his wonderful girlfriend of five years. Today he officially asked her parents for her hand in marriage. He was nervous, but we sat down and talked about it last night. So proud of him today :) He really is like a brother to me...I consider him family, so this was a big day!! They met in high school and have been dating ever since. Marisol is a quiet, sweet young woman. Together, they have this simple but infectious love for each other that is blatantly obvious to anyone around them. They have their fights, their days where they can't stand each other... But at the end of the day, it's the kind of love that embraces those moments. They are younger than me, but act older than they are. Jacob is the kind of guy I would want my son to be like. Responsible, brave, independent, hard working, warm, kindhearted and strong. He is proposing this month and I can't wait to share their joy. The engagement comes as no surprise, but it is still an exciting time for them. I wish them a lifetime of abundant happiness and love!

Billy Currington "Until You"

Let's just take our time
There's nothing else to do
What better way to spend the night
Wasting it with you
The moon has won the war
The daylight waits to win
Stay here by my side
We'll watch the struggle start again

I need you
Now and forever
To stay right here with me
Don't ever leave
Love was kept
From me like a secret
And I swore I was through
Until you
Until you

The city's settled down
I watch you as you sleep
There's a silent celebration
For every breath you breathe
All this now makes sense
With you as company
I left all I knew and found
The better part of me

I need you
Now and forever
To stay right here with me
Don't ever leave
Love was kept
From me like a secret
And I swore I was through
Until you
Until you

The time it took to find you
I would wait again, my baby
For the feelings that I feel with you now

I need you
Now and forever
To stay right here with me
Don't ever leave
Love was kept
From me like a secret
And I swore I was through
Until you
Until you
Until you
Until you

Waking Up For October

I wrote a post called Wake Me Up When September ends... Welp, September is just about over and I feel like it's time to wake up!!!!

The stuff I worried about all September is all behind me now. Things that I dreamed about are becoming a reality and it is truly awesome. I was talking with my roommate about it last night and I was telling him that I'm really happy, but am so so so afraid to just BE happy. I feel like I keep myself in check by thoughts like this. It's like I gain the world's respect because I keep in mind that sometimes the rug can be pulled out from under you.

I don't know...I'm just so used to always dealing with some sort of hassle that I am terrified when things go my way. It's sad that's the kind of world we live in. But, I am very very happy with how things have gone.

Sarah is moving here. Right after Europe, she got a job. Which is what we both hoped for. It's been such an amazing ride these last 10 months and I really can't wait to have her here. Not 90 miles apart. Not an hour and a half away. It's such a relaxing feeling...

Other than dealing with the hassles of moving and the like, I think she's very happy with all of this. There's so many things I can't wait to experience. It sounds odd, but I can't wait  for the little tiffs, the times where we're annoyed with each other...all of that stuff that makes you appreciate the other more. I can't wait for sunrises and sunsets, fun times with friends, lazy weekends, good days, bad days, dates, arguments and endless laughter, celebrating with friends and making new ones... It's going to be an amazing journey.

On another note, this weekend is the last AAU tournament of the fall. I'm happy because I need my weekends right now. The weather is turning beautiful and it's time to enjoy it. Not be in a gym all day. Can't! Wait!

I'm ready to crack the windows and welcome all the new fresh air that's blowing my way...

Lady Antebellum "Just A Kiss"

Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile

I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this
Let's just take this slow

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

I know that if we give this a little time
It will only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

No I don't want to say goodnight
I know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, oh, let's do this right, with just a kiss goodnight
With a kiss goodnight
Kiss goodnight

Leeches

Last night I had some crazy dream and there were leeches in it... I googled what it meant when there are leeches in your dream and the consensus was that you are stressed and there is something that is sucking the energy out of you haha. Ok then..

I'm very tired. There is stuff going on that is stressing me out. I just want it to be next week and to know a couple of things...

Last night I attended the Guilford County Sports Hall of Fame induction ceremony. Saw a lot of people I knew from over the years.. I really didn't think about what I was going to until I was actually there. Then it kind of hit me when I heard all of these people recounting all their old stories and their successful careers. I ended up getting really really upset. I guess I don't think about it that much, so when I do, I realize how much everything that I went through impacted me. I sat at our table holding back tears the entire night. When I got home, I called Sarah and pretty much lost it on the phone. I hardly ever get emotional in front of people because it's just not something I enjoy doing.

I'm glad she was able to calm me down and talk some sense into me. I'm very hard on myself when it comes to living up to expectations, and I can't help but feel like I did everything BUT that. In high school, my name was bigger than how I played (in my opinion at least). Here I was...local superstar slated to attend the best school for basketball in the country...and then I couldn't get healthy. Ever since I became well-known around the area and nation, I had MANY critics. People said "you'll never make it there, she's not good enough, she's not tough enough, how in the world did she end up at uconn, what's so special about her..." Even my own teammates on my high school team questioned me and never supported me. There was always hostility and animosity towards me...even from coaches. Somewhere along the line...whether it be my injury or what people were saying...somewhere along the way I lost the edge. I lost my confidence and questioned myself. When I left for school that summer, in my head I wasn't good enough and at best, would just coast along and hopefully win a national championship.

We all know how that panned out...

It's just hard to look back at all of that and feel like a success. Sure, I made it there...but I didn't make it any further. Even at Richmond I faced the same shit from high school. I was 'the UConn transfer.' Why can't she play, I bet she's faking her injury, she is always hurt, she thinks she's special, no wonder she left UConn... It's always been the same old shit from people. It's aggrevating and I don't care who you are...when people continuously say things like that about you, it gets to you. I don't care how mentally strong you are. It gets to you.

Everybody said not to listen...but when it's all you hear about yourself, eventually you begin to believe it. I was weak and caved to it. Obviously the injury situation was the real kicker in all of this. There was legitimately something wrong and it took 5 years to prove it. 'Suck on that bitches' is how I felt after I finally found out what was wrong. Well that, and also 'shit my career is over and I did nothing I could have.'

But Sarah reminded me that I have the chance to use my coaching as a means to leave my legacy. She reminded me that it was in God's plan how everything happened and that there is something else for me to do. She's right...I know she's right, it's still just hard because as a player you want to be great. As a coach you do too...but for good athletes it's different. It's a feeling I'll never be able to fully put into words. But I really took what she said to heart last night and will try to focus on that from now on.

TGIF!!!!

I'm so freaking happy and anxious today!! Currently my girl is over Canada headed down this way :) I can't believe it's been 10 days since I've even heard her voice. Communication was held to a minimum while she was there because of spotty wifi and lots of sightseeing, not sleeping...and maybe the occasional drink ;)

All I know is I have missed the absolute hell out of her and have tried my best to keep that to myself, but it's been difficult. Distance has been hard in the past, but not being able to communicate made the distance between Charlotte and Greensboro seem like nothing. Two or three weeks without seeing each other I can handle a lot better now I think because I know I can at least talk and communicate. I really feel that she will be in Greensboro sooner rather than, later so I'm really excited about that.

I can't wait for 1:30 to roll around!!! I am soooo excited I can't stop talking about it. Everyone at work knows and is asking me about her trip and what time she gets in. It's no secret I love her that is for sure!

I'm off to dive into some work to hopefully make the time go by quicker and get me to 1:30 as soon as possible :)

A storms a brewin

I'm sitting out on my balcony...Friday night. A big storm is blowing in...feels incredible. It's been a short, but looong week. One more long one and then things can get back to normal I hope. I need a shut your brain off drug haha.

Don't have much to say.. Enjoying a Sam Adams Okstoberfest (hell yeah it's here!!), listening to a little Mumford and Sons, watching a storm with Lexi, thinking about and missing someone very special :)

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I can't believe it's September... I feel like I just got back from DC, like it was just the start of summer, like July 4th was yesterday... I can't get over it. Time flies these days. I wish Sarah's trip would fly by....for me, not for her, I want her to enjoy every second.

I've been unusually emotional and sensitive the past couple weeks. Maybe it's because I knew she'd be going and I wouldn't be seeing her for a while. I don't know, but I don't like it. Normally I'm very good about keeping my emotions in check and dealing with them internally. Lately though, it's been hard to control. It's been hard to hide bad moods, anger, sadness...who knows, probably something in the weather changing.

I can't wait for fall to start. I'm excited to see what it brings...hopefully it brings Sarah a job in Greensboro :)

We shall see, we shall see...

Today's music is a Pandora compilation based around Florence + the Machine.. one of them days..

Post Number 100!!!

I can hardly believe it! I've almost been blogging for a year now and I am super proud of myself for actually starting it and sticking to it. I really attribute it to that special someone in my life who makes me a better version of myself. Since she came into my life, I've turned over a new leaf where I actually do the things I say I'm going to. I do things to better my life and for that, I'm truly thankful for. Thank you for making me better every day.

100 is divisible by 10....which is the number of days Sarah is going to be gone in EUROPE! I am so excited that she has the opportunity to travel overseas and see a part of the world that some people never get to see. Visiting another country is an incredible experience. You realize that there are so many things you take for granted. Both materialistically and relationship-wise. Small comforts that you don't think twice about don't exist in other worlds. On a day to day basis, you can pick up the phone and call whoever you want. Sarah and I talk whenever we want. Sometimes you forget to appreciate even the shortest, least significant conversations. But those same conversations suddenly take new meaning when you no longer have the option to just pick up the phone and hear her voice.

It's weird when you're apart from someone you love, nevermind a half a world away. It's going to be weird looking up at the sun and moon, knowing that even though she's so far away, we are still a part of the same world and are somehow still connected by the universe. You can be a world away, but still see the same thing that they are seeing.

I know I sound really weird right now, but I can't help it. I just think a lot when something is bothering me. Not that I'm 'bothered' really....just going to miss her while she's gone. We both love to travel and I want to be experiencing everything I can with her. I can't wait to do all that one day.

My world is going halfway around our world....HAVE FUN, BE SAFE and BRING ME BACK SOMETHING COOL!!!! :)

People Call Us Renegades 'cause We Like Living CRAZY!

Holy moly...

Let me pause to take a deep breath, blink and really think about the past 3-4 days of my life!

This weekend was Sarah's birthday and it was, in one word, GREAT! I rented a boat and we spent the day on High Rock Lake with friends. The weather was beautiful and I couldn't have asked for a better day. I toook Monday off to spend with her. And then we launched one of our crazy schemes...

Her parents were leaving to go out of town on Monday....soooooo I decided to drive down to Charlotte with her that afternoon and spend one more night together. Maybe I wouldn't have done it if the circumstances hadn't been what they are... But here's why:

Sarah leaves for Europe in a week. She will be gone for 10 days... That is 10 days that I will go without really getting to talk to her. In this day and age I can't REALLY complain because it seems like we are all always connected in one way or another through cell phones, emails, Facebook, etc...

But when I get up in the morning, she is the first person I think of (besides Lexi jingling her collar to go outside). We have this routine...and it's what I have come to love and know over the last 9 months. We talk on the phone on the way to work, on her way to/from lunch and on the way home. This is how every day goes unless we are in a stupid argument in which case we try really hard to ignore each other, even though the whole time it's killing us to do so. (Yea...humans are strange!)

It will be so weird, ick, disheartening, depressing, what have you...when I wake up in the morning and go to grab my phone to say hello. Or when 8:45 rolls around and she doesn't call because she's not leaving for work. Or when lunch time comes and goes. Or 6:00 rolls around and I don't get a ride home call. These are things that I don't really think about on a day to day basis...they just kind of are. But now that I know I won't have them, it makes me appreciate them that much more and truly realize what a HUGE part of my daily life she is.

This is the love that you sit and think about and can't even imagine your life without it. I was dog-tired yesterday from the weekend and having to get up at the crack of dawn to come back to Greensboro. My eyes burned all day and I felt sick to my stomach. Every lost second of sleep, every dollar that goes into my gas tank, every second of time that I have to wake up earlier is worth it for her.

We joke that we are crazy for some of the shit we do--but, I'm totally ok with it. The stories are fantastic and I doubt people will believe them one day. Every crazy thing I do/have done is driven by love. It is like love at all costs. Anyone who says it's a bad thing is probably just envious that they don't have what we have.

Are things easy and smooth sailing all the time? No, not at all. Just like everything in life, there are doubts, hard days and questions... but at the end of the day, the heart can't lie...

The brain can think what it wants, but the heart controls everything in the body.

I loved everything about this weekend...right down to the early morning drive back to Greensboro :)

Motivators

Why is it that anger and money are two of the biggest motivators? Maybe that's just in my life, but I could see it being universal. I'm angry right now....therefore, motivation is creeping back in the picture. Maybe I've been too comfortable lately. It's time to get back to it. I can hardly talk I'm so annoyed/angered/whatever...just need to convert this energy into something positive.

Sarah's birthday is this weekend and I'm beyond anxious to see her. It's been two weeks just about. Shitty part is, after I see her for these few short days, I won't see her for a while. She's going to Europe for ten days. I'm so so so excited she is going overseas to experience another part of the world. It's something that everyone should do. I don't think she knows how much I will miss her.

I rarely ever get in bad moods like this. Usually if I do, it's over in a day. But this mood just keeps coming back. Things keep happening to set me off again. I hate it. I hate not being myself because I so badly want to hide it, but I'm pretty sure my foul mood is crystal clear. Ugh....

I just want to snap out of it

Contemplating

So I've been thinking of starting a second blog called "A Sunset a Day." My apartment is home to the view of Greensboro's sunsets EVERYYYYY night. 90% of the time they are absolutely stunning! My plan is to take a picture every night at sunset and post it... I get awesome pics on my phone and figured this was kind of a cool way to document my time in my current apartment. I don't ever want to forget the view!!!

In other news...

In other news...I started writing this at 10:00 this morning and have not had a chance to finish. I forgot what I was even writing about, so I should probably just delete the post, but whatevs.

Oh wait..I do know! Bitches be runnin' wild... I've had some people haunting my dreams at night and keeping me up and it's driving me insane!!!!! I have the most vivid dreams out of anyone I know. My dreams have been so real lately and I really think they are the reason I'm not sleeeeeping. I'm sleeping, but am not resting and it's pissing me off! To all the people in my dreams (besides the people that I love and have good dreams about) STAY OUT OF MY DREAMS!!!

I need a nap...

Ready for Fall

This morning I slowly awoke from my deep slumber full of vivid dreams of things to come and hopeful scenarios. I hit snooze twice and almost fell back asleep for good when I turned my alarm off...but I reluctantly threw off the covers and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. Put on some clothes and headed out to the living room to get Lexi on her leash and take her out. She squealed with delight that it was finally time to wake up and go outside. As soon as I opened the door I was pleasantly surprised..

Instead of a firey inferno scorching me to death and a thick cloud of humidity filling my lungs, I took a deep breath and realized...OMG it's like fall out!! It was dry, cool and there was a light breeze blowing. This summer has been one of the hottest that I can remember. Seriously... Thank God for moving to the apartment and having a pool because otherwise it would have been miserable!

There is supposed to be a little bit of a cool off next week. And by cool off, I mean upper 80s, which at this point feels like heaven. Hopefully it triggers a trend and we slowly start to ease into the cool, crisp fall weather that I love sooo much. I'm sure we will get one or two more blasts of hot ass weather, but for real....it's time for a change of weather. I think our pool closes the first weekend of September :( So it better start cooling off!!!!

Even though the Kings of Leon weekend didn't work out, Sarah and I still had a good one. Not that any weekend with her is ever bad, but we were both REALLY looking forward to that concert. We hung out at my apartment, went to Wine Styles and dinner, and overall just enjoyed spending time with each other. Her birthday is in less than two weeks; which is also the next time I'll see her. And probably the last time before she heads off to Europe for ten days. Mehh... September is going to be tough. But we always seem to figure something out, so hopefully September isn't an exception.

Kings of LeGONE

I am still super pissed. Yesterday afternoon as I talked to my girl on her trek back to Charlotte, we were talking about this coming weekend and how excited we were for the Kings of Leon concert. We were talking about what we were going to wear, the songs we couldn't wait to hear, how we were going to smuggle in alcohol in protest of paying 10 dollars for a tall boy... And then my email ringer went off in my ear.

::COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EYES::

An email from LiveNation came through: "Your event (Kings of Leon concert) has been cancelled" .............................................

What the fuck?!?! Seriously? She thought I was joking...sadly I was not. The words I read echoed in my head all afternoon, evening and night. They're still there this morning. The whole weekend was going to be a blast and now, I have no idea what is going on. Other than the fact that I have a train ticket to Charlotte for Thursday after work.

I hate when I get my hopes up for something and it blows up in my face. It really bothers me even though it's beyond my control. I was just SO looking forward to it...especially being there with Sarah. Hearing all our favorite songs...mehhhhh.

So now I have to figure out the rest of the weekend and how I'm getting back to Greensboro on Sunday...

I feel a little like the scene in National Lampoon's Vacation where they drive all the way to Wally World only to find that it is closed for repairs. Yep...kinda like that.

Sigh...

PISSED.

There are things in life that happen that piss you off. You get over them as a whole, but then something reminds you of the thing that pisses you off. And you get really angry recalling the whole ordeal. This week has been a bitch for everyone I know. Something just triggered something in the past that pissed me off. I mean it has my blood boiling sitting here thinking about it. It's something that I warned would resurface from time to time. This is one of those times. I don't want to talk about it. I know I'll be over it in a bit, but for now I'm pissed. Loud music and a good work out. It's kinda twisted, but sometimes I like being this pissed...

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters?  She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there. Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.
 

The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for. 

 

-Bob Marley

8 months

I just got back in town from seeing Sarah and taking care of some things for work down in Charlotte. I was lucky enough to get to spend the last 4 and a half days with her. I was so miserable over leaving this morning that I forgot that it was our '8 month' today. I'm not huge on making a big deal out of days like today, but I still like to acknowledge them. Totally slipped my mind this morning. I was sooo upset over leaving. Still am. Mehh...

We had a blast though. It was nice to spend a lot of down time with her and sleep in. relax, etc.

It's always hard being the one who has to leave. I feel bad complaining about this because she has been the one who has 'had to leave' way more than I have. I know it has probably been a lot harder on her than it is for me. I am just so ready to live in the same town. She has a lead on a job at my complex here in GSO, so I'm really really REALLY hoping it pans out for her. There's times like today where I just can't stand being apart from her.

I don't really want to write about it anymore...I don't feel good, I'm tired because I'm sad and don't feel good, and I miss the hell out of my best friend. Need I say more?

Great quotes that really hit home for me :)

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."
— Pablo Neruda

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
— Robert A. Heinlein (so true for me!)

"The real lover is the one who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space."
— Marilyn Monroe

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
— Bob Marley

"No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater...The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. And that's the key. It's like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot."
— Sarah Dessen

 

Post-Visit Blues

It never fails. The days immediately following after I see Sarah are just rough. I'm not really outwardly upset or anything like that. It's all definitely internal. I just get the blues..

When we get to spend time together, it's like the world finally clicks. My life feels like every piece is there. Not to be cliche, but when we're apart I honestly feel like a piece of me is missing. But as soon as I see her face for the first time, breathe in all her smells and get my arms around her, everything falls back into place and I feel a hundred times stronger.

I think this go around has been especially heavy on my mind because of what is going on this weekend for her--her brother's wedding. To be honest, I'm scared to death of this weekend. All along I've known this weekend was approaching and now it's finally here. Her whole family will be in town, she'll be surrounded by a bunch of stuffy girls with their cute sundresses, expensive jewelry and their rich, snobby boyfriends. Yay... That's the way things are down there and with it comes the pressure to conform to that exact lifestyle. She struggles with it a lot. She wants to be "normal." Everyone wants to be "normal." Hell, even I would love to be "normal" ... but, my life went down a different path. A path that was difficult, but has actually opened more doors than I ever could have imagine, introduced me to some amazing people, given me some amazing friends and has made me grow into a more mature, more thoughtful and open-minded person.

The journey is long and it is rough. There are setbacks and bumps and twists and turns. But as long as you stay focused, you'll be fine. I'm just worried that the pressure will be wicked intense this weekend. And it's even harder for me to think about because I won't get to talk to her that much. Hardly at all really...

How will I know what's going through her mind? How will I know how she's dealing with seeing her brother get married and I'm sure feeling guilty about shit she shouldn't feel guilty about? I don't want her to freak out on me because of all of this. I so badly just want her to enjoy seeing her big brother make the commitment to the one he loves. I wish she would see it that way instead of just GUY and GIRL getting married because that's what's supposed to happen. I hope she sees it as just two PEOPLE who love each other and have made the decision to profess that love and spend their lives living happily with each other.

I have a tournament this weekend. The last one of the season. Nationals. I'm not even looking forward to it. The only thing I can think about this weekend is her and what she'll be going through. I'm not even excited about basketball. When I think about this weekend, my stomach turns to knots and I feel like I'm going to be sick.

I'll keep saying this until I'm blue in the face... I hate what she is going through. I want to take it all away. Deal with it for her. I've really been thinking about talking to her parents. I doubt her Dad has anything to say to me, so probably more of talking to her Mom. It's really been eating at me lately because I don't think it's fair for only Sarah to have to deal with their poking and prodding. I feel like I can help answer some things, shed some light on things, but most importantly apologize. I feel so bad about it that I dream about it sometimes. I've met them so many times I already remember their faces so well. I know their expressions, I can hear their voices in my head. I really like them a lot and hopefully will have them in my life. It actually makes me sad when Sarah tells me her mom is upset because I remember all of that. I don't want that for her mom either. So I really have this feeling building up inside me that I need/want to sit down and talk with them. They haven't seen me since Easter or since Sarah told them. I don't even know if they would want to talk to me though. It would be a very tough conversation and words can't describe how nervous I would be, but I feel like it needs to happen.

After this wedding is over, it will be all they really have to focus on. So I think it would be a good time to bring me into the picture officially. I don't know... I don't know how Sarah feels. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I just know that I want everything to be ok and I know in time it will be, I just have to keep reminding Sarah of that.

She's doing well with it whether she knows/believes it or not.

Tough times don't last, but tough people do... That keeps playing through my head over and over and over because it's true.

I can't write about this anymore. I'm trying not to think about it anymore, but that's very hard. When someone looks at you and says don't think about a cheeseburger....what's the first thing you think of? Right.

This week is going to be hard for me. Internally. I foresee me going into my little 'dark place' for a few days until I know how everything is going to unfold. Which of course means quality time in front of the tv watching the Twilight movies. I'm so cool!

Like a Good Cup of Coffee

You Are Loved

You are loved.

At your best and at your worst
Whatever the case, I'll put you first.

You are loved.

When you're angry and when you're sad
I'll lift you up, remind you it's really not so bad.

You are loved.

Upset or angry and you shut it down
I wait to listen and hide my frown.

You are loved.

Busy or distracted, it doesn't matter
My thoughts about you never scatter.

You are loved.

On top of a mountain or sitting by the sea
There's never a dull moment when you're with me.

You are loved.

Back and forth, and up and down
Even when we go round and round.

You are loved.

Sometimes stubborn and rather difficult
Even when my days are full of tumult.

You are loved.

In the dead of night while you sleep so sound
I watch you and thank God for what I found.

You are loved.

Your breath so soft as your lips close in
A surge of emotions arise from within.

You are loved.

When you laugh out loud or when you yell
Any day without you feels like hell.

You are loved.

Sporting a big smile or a stream of tears
There's a burning desire to erase all of your fears.

You are loved.

Every sound, look, smell or touch
I get so lost, it doesn't take much.

You are loved.

In the most intimate moments or in our trying times
My pulse still races and my heart rate still climbs.

When things feel bad and you feel like you've been shoved.
Shut your eyes. Feel me close. And know...that you are loved.

You are loved.

Long Monday

I'm currently sitting on my balcony watching an amazing light show. There is lightning all around in the distance and it's lighting up the whole sky. That little breeze finally picked up, which would be why I can actually sit outside and enjoy the show and write without melting from the sizzling inferno its been lately.

I feel like there is so much going on inside me, but I don't know exactly what. There's a lot of emotions, feelings and thoughts going round and round in my head. I feel it in my head, I feel it in my heart...I feel it in my bones its so active.

I just can't really figure out what IT is. It obviously has to do with the difficult time that Sarah is going through. I know how hard things are and it absolutely kills me that I can't just take away the hurt for her. All of this has moved our relationship into a new stage. Before, our conversations were a lot different than they are now. Maybe not a lot, but heavy topics and conversations weren't so usual as they are now. I don't mind at all. I love the transition actually because it forces you to take that next step into handling mature, adult problems with each other. It forces you to talk about certain things that otherwise might go undiscussed.

I think my biggest thing right now is being scared. I'm scared about a lot. I don't want to admit it at all...but it is what it is--I'm scared right now. I don't even know how to bring it up in conversation without it somehow feeling like I'm adding pressure or stress to an already over-stressed, over-pressured, battered soul. You think I want to do that?!? Hell no! I'm trying to suck it up and talk myself down when I get to worrying, but it's hard. It's very difficult. But I'm strong and I want to be strong for her right now because that's what she needs. She is weak right now because of everything that's happened. That's ok...that is what the person who loves you is supposed to do for you. When I'm weak, she's strong. It works..

Today I sat on my bed and looked at the pictures of us in my room. I've been rather sappy lately (crazy hormones!!) so as I sat there staring, I felt that oh-so-familiar lump creep up in my throat. I sat there and looked at her picture and thought to myself that I could never look into anyone else's eyes and feel what I do for, ever again. I look at every detail of her and it makes my heart hurt she makes me feel so good. I don't ever want to lose this love.

I'm running out of words as my head refills with clutter. Cluttered thoughts that I can't seem to make any headway sorting through. I miss things...but I know, from experience, that all hard times pass.

"Tough times don't last, but tough people do." -I would just like to add that tough people are also tough enough to remind someone who's feeling weak about just how tough they really are.

Stumble Upon (SU) Randos

"When someone says 'You've changed,' it simply means you've stopped living your life their way."

Harboring Hatred

I'm harboring a deep hatred for the world today. It scares me how angry I am right now. Hatred can destroy a person. This is the hate that could in fact destroy me. If you have ever put pressure on someone to be a certain way or do certain things that the world deems 'the norm,' then you get a big 'ol FUCK YOU!

Fuck all of the people that don't know how to love themselves right, so they make everyone else miserable and drag them down into their sick little world. How sad it is that absolutely no one has balls anymore? No one will stand up for what they believe in because our fucked up world has warped everyone's brains. You better stand for something or you'll fall for anything.

I HATE how we live today. No one looks at the inside anymore. It's all about outward appearances and what people look like to everyone else. Hell, I'm guilty half the time until I stop myself and remind myself that I'm my own person and no one dictates how I live or what I look like. I won't give in to what this world wants.

I live in a world where I am who I am and I'm thanked for it. Am I different based on what the world says I should be? Hell yes I am. I'm about as different as they come. I'm 6'5 and I prefer the same sex. Crucify me why don't you, world? That's the world I used to live in. I was scared. I cared about what everyone would think about me if they knew my inner most secrets. And then everything came spilling out and it got even worse. Until I had a revelation and realized that living life is about what makes you happy...not what makes everyone else happy. As soon as I adopted that attitude, my life changed. My parents' attitude changed as well, because they saw that I had accepted things too.

It's the hardest thing in the world... to be different. But when you realize that you're actually not that different, your world changes. When you realize that people envy you, your world changes. People envy you because you actually know who you are. They see you unafraid and living your life to the fullest and they want that too. You are happy and they want it so bad that they will try and knock you off your pedestal.

There will always be those people who can't escape the real world. Those people will live unfulfilled lives and may appear happy outwardly, but if you could see their heart every night they go to sleep, you'd see the pain they're carrying. Those are the kind of people who's tombstone should read, "Lived my life to please everyone but myself. Hope you're all happy. Wish I had a second chance."

I'm so angry at the world that I just want to throw up right now. I can feel my blood boiling and coursing through my veins.

This sick, fucked up world is the reason that the best thing that ever happened to me is running away right now. And I have no idea how to stop the bleeding.

Thank you, thoughtless, careless world...you've been most helpful.

Wishing Well -The Airbone Toxic Event

Standing on a bus stop
Feeling your head pop
Out in the night
In the kind of night
Where you want to be out
On the street, on the street
Crawling up the walls
Like a cat in heat

And the air is thin
And it blows through your skin
And you feel like something
Is about to begin
But you don't know what
And you don't know when
So you tear at your hair
And you scratch at your skin

You wanna run away, run away
Just get on the fucking train and leave today
And it doesn't matter where you spend the night
You just might end up somewhere in a fight, in a fight
Or calling your room on a concrete shelf
Fighting all alone, with yourself, with yourself
And you just wanna feel like a coin that's been tossed
In a wishing well, a wishing well
A wishing well, a wishing well
Well you're tossed in the air
And you fell and you fell
Through the dark blue waters
Where you cast your spell
Like you were just a wish that could turn out well

So you stand on the corner
Where the angels sit
And you think to yourself,
"This is it, this is it
This is all that I have
All I can stand
Is this air in my lungs
And this coin in my hand"
That you tossed in the air
And I fell, and I fell
All the way to the bottom
Of the well, of the well
Like those soft little secrets
That you tell, that you tell
To yourself, when you think
No one's listening to, well

And the walls spin
And you're paper-thin
From the haze of the smoke
And the mess calling
The threat of your brow
Under unmade sheets
In your ear with the noise
From the darkest streets
We ran far and wide
You screamed, you cried
You thought suicide was an alibi
But you were always a mess
You were always aloof
Yeah, it's awful, I guess
But it's the awful truth
It was truth from the first
To the last words that she read

And she emerged from the dark
Like a ghost in my head
She said, "I haven't forgot
Any words that you said
I just stare at the clocks
And I cry in my sleep
And I tear up your letters
And I burn them in heaps
And I gather the ashes
In that hole in the ground
Where we fell"

For You

In For the Kill -La Roux

We can fight our desires
But then we start making fires
We get ever so hot
Whether we like it or not
They say we can love who we trust
But what is love without lust?
Two hearts with accurate devotions
And what are feelings without emotions?

I'm going in for the kill
I'm doing it for a thrill
Oh I'm hoping you'll understand
And not let go of my hand

I hang my hopes out on the line
Will they be ready for you in time
If you leave them out too long
They'll be withered by the sun
Full stops and exclamation marks
My words stumble before I start
How far can you send emotions?
Can this bridge cross the ocean?

I'm going in for the kill
I'm doing it for a thrill
Oh I'm hoping you'll understand
And not let go of my hand

Let's go to war
To make peace
Let's be cold
To create heat
I hope in darkness
We can see
And you're not blinded by the light from me

I'm going in for the kill
I'm doing it for a thrill
Oh I'm hoping you'll understand
And not let go of my hand

Break Away

This weekend was good. Great, actually!

Sarah was able to come up for the weekend and we got away for a little bit. We went camping up at Hanging Rock and had an awesome time, just the two of us!

She got here Friday night and we just hung out and crashed relatively early. Got up the next day, packed and got everything ready, stopped by the store to pick up a few things, then hit the road!

By 1:30 we were on the mountain with our campsite all set up. We headed down to the lake and decided to rent out a rowboat and paddle out to the middle of the lake, crack a couple beers and just relax. So we did just that :)  We were on the water for about an hour, just talking and enjoying the beautiful weather before a little storm rolled in. We rowed back as fast as we could--I'm quite a bit stronger, so we kind of rowed sideways back as one of my reps was about 3 of hers. But we made it back and proceeded to walk back to the campground in a nice rainstorm. It actually felt really good being out in the rain like that. When it was really coming down, we hunkered under a rock to try and keep a stitch or two of our clothes dry. We made it back to the campground as it was slowing down. Sarah wanted a deck of cards, so we headed down to the little store at the bottom of the mountain and picked some up. We never ended up playing...because I'm an idiot!

As it was clearing up, we decided to go hike a few of the falls. It was so nice because everyone left the park because of the storm. It was like we had a whole mountain to ourselves!!! We hiked, and talked, and laughed, and took in the views. It was one of my favorite afternoons with her.

That evening we got back, got the fire going and sat around talking and eating some hot dogs. The sun finally faded away and the bugs started freaking her out, so we turned in relatively early. Thankfully, a good soul let us borrow their air mattress pump because Sarah forgot hers in Charlotte. Didn't quite matter for me, as my ass was on the ground the whole night. But don't worry...Sarah was fine because my weight pushed her side of the mattress up and off the ground! What a turd.

The next morning we slept in until about 9. We got up and drove down the mountain to get some cell phone signal to call our dad's for Father's Day and to check on the status of my coming-any-day-now nephew. Then we went back and started packing up things and had one last hot dog meal (yay) around the fire before loading up and heading out.

We stopped at my sister's house to meet up with my family and have a little lunch. We were both really tired, so we came back to the apartment, unpacked and did some laundry...and SHOWERED! God did the shower feel good haha.

Then we laid around and rested before watching the Yankees demolish the Cubbies :) There was a little bet there that will get fulfilled one day soon!

I loved this weekend because it reiterated what I already knew. I can be with her in a group of people or just the two of us and have an amazing time. Spending time with her never gets old and always leaves me longing for more. There are not enough hours in the day to satisfy that longing. I love every minute of every day of us. Be it a good day or a bad day, my feelings never falter and I love it. It was so nice to get away from the normal day to day and get out to the mountains with her. Definitely gotta do it again soon! Most likely going to be the fall...which just so happens to be my favorite time of year :)

How do you deal with things you are feeling when you feel like you can't express them to the person you're feeling them over? When you know they are already dealing with so much, so you feel as though you can't possibly throw another negative something at them.

What do you do?!

They say and do things that upset you. A lot. Yet you just sit there stewing deciding what to do. Do you say something and make an already bad day worse? Risk sending them over the edge and having them lash out at you and making things worse? I'm at a loss right now because there's a lot going on inside me and I feel like I can't say anything. Not a damn thing.

And I'm really struggling.

I will find a way to be fine...always have, always will. I will remind myself that the person is going through a lot. But how do you get them to see that they are not the only one being affected? It affects you too.

I can't even form coherent thoughts/sentences right now. I feel very out of touch and I'm basically just scared shitless to say anything right now because I don't want to be another source of worry or negativity.

This is when you know your feelings are for real.

Censorship?

You know...there's just some things you don't say to someone. Things that hit below the belt and take the wind out someone or punch a hole in their heart.

You just don't say some things...

The horrible mood continues

|\___/|--->

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Yes, that pretty much sums today up!

Lover

"A wise lover values not so much the gift of the lover as the love of the giver" -Thomas A Kempis

Dale Carnegie Experience

This week I spent three days attending a Dale Carnegie class with a few coworkers. It was quite the eye-opening experience and I'm very grateful I had the chance to go.

There were many many topics covered in the short three day span. I think the biggest thing I took away from it was the importance of listening. I've always considered myself at least a decent listener. When the situation called for it, of course I was very attentive; however, this class taught me that I need to listen all the time.

You never know when someone just needs to vent or just talk. There are few people that I will just sit and listen to them talk. Lately though, I feel I've done a lot of listening. A lot of people in my life are dealing with stresses and struggles. I wish they could take this class and see that every problem has a solution. You  just have to slow down and think about it. I've always handled stress well. I do feel like I worry too much sometimes. A lot of worry is out of my control, yet I'll sit there and that's the only thing I can think about.

Stress makes you negative. It's written in your face, it's in the tone of your voice and those that are close to you can just tell by your overall demeanor. It turns you into a little monster that you normally aren't. I've been there too. I think I'm better at handling others' stresses more so than my own. When something happens that stresses you out, just stop and take a deep breath. Think about what is the absolute worst possible thing that could happen from this, and if it were to happen is it really even THAT bad?? Then think about all the possible solutions, and come up with a plan of action. It's much easier to deal with things when you break them down and see them for what they really are--small things!

I feel like all I do is listen and lend a helping hand these days. Everyone's got problems and I'm not sure why, but usually everyone comes to me for help. On a case by case basis, it's not that bad. I love helping people--especially the people I love because I feel like that is one way I can show them how much they mean to me. Sometimes I feel like no one listens to me though. Not even that...people get so wrapped up in their own shit that they forget to even bother to ask simple things like "How are you? Did you have a good day? Tell me about your day..."

I don't mind listening...you can pour it on me and pour it on me, but don't forget about me. I have things going on too. Things that I want to talk about, but sometimes don't get the chance to because the person I'm listening to or helping out doesn't take the time to listen back.

It's a frustrating thing, but I'm just going to keep listening. The beautiful thing about a blog is that it's always here to listen and to allow you to vent. I'm much better at writing out my frustrations, rather than addressing them first hand and possibly arguing. Another Carnegie principle...avoid arguments. Where do they get you? Nowhere.

--

It feels like Friday and man I wish it was!!!  Instead I've got basketball practice. All I want to do is go home and finish my bathroom and just relax. This week, while enlightening, has also been exhausting. I've absorbed a lot, learned a lot, listened to a lot, helped a lot and thought and processed a ton. This is when I wish Sarah was there to catch my head on her shoulder and just feel that comfort...even for just half a second would refresh me. That luxury is coming sooner rather than later I feel. I can't wait.

"Circle me and the needle moves gracefully
Back and forth, if my heart was a compass you'd be North
Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall
Wherever you go, if my heart was a house you'd be home"

Good Vibes :)

And just like that, things can turn around!

Got Lexi back and got my keys back!

The keys were the least of my worries, honestly... Those can be replaced, Lexi cannot. Yesterday, my coworker Charlton and I ventured down back into the woods where she disappeared to in search of her. This time I was determined. When I left the house, I paused for a second before locking the door behind me and said out loud "I'm coming home with my dog today."

We were down there for all of maybe 5 minutes when I heard him say "I SEE HER!!!" I went to where he was standing so she could see me, and he went to the other side of the giant thorn bush. While I talked to her, he reached in and grabbed her out. She was BURIED deep in that damn thicket.  She had ants crawling all over her and looked scared and pitiful. I wrapped her in a towel and took her straight to the bathroom for a long bath.

It took her a while to calm down, but it was nothing a McDouble couldn't cure. She slept soundly in her new bed in her new home last night. I'm SO happy she is safe and can't wait for her to meet Sarah :)

-SN- my keys ended up being in my roommates shorts pockets....I guess a day of drinks by the pool will make all parties involved forget little details like that!!!

I'm in such a good mood today. I went home for lunch to take out Lexi and spend some time with her. We watched some tv together and she begged off me for some chicken salad. She has some dachshund in her for sure!!!

As I sat there with her enjoying just sitting in calm for a while, my mind immediately went to Sarah. All I could think about was her being there too. Not just for a random lunch, but all the time. I can see coming home every day and seeing her and Lexi for lunch and it just made my heart smile. Big smile!

I can't wait for tomorrow when Sarah comes through that door and gets to meet Lexi and we can spend some time together with her.

Missing

A few things have gone missing... The most important being my dog, and the second being my damn car keys.

Poof! Vanished...

One of them is roaming around in the woods behind my apartment. Although as I sit here, bouncing my leg, biting the shit out of my nails and watching the minutes slowly go by, I'm just praying she stays where she's at and we find her tonight.

I've collaborated a little search & rescue effort tonight. Lexi was home from the shelter I adopted her from for all of about 5 minutes before she found a hole in the dog park fence and escaped. She ran across the road and into the woods behind my apartment. I thought she was gone somewhere in Greensboro until my roommate saw her little face in there yesterday. She promptly disappeared back into hiding when she saw him though. Apparently she loves hide and seek. She is the master!!!!

I'm tired. I'm worried. I'm annoyed. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm hot, which I'm sure she is too. I just feel terrible about all of this. I rescued her to give her a better life...not so she could camp out in 95 degree weather. She is beyond sweet and I just don't get why this is all happening. I tried to do something nice and adopt a dog who needed to be taken care of, and then she's just gone? That's not right and it pisses me off.

A million thoughts have been going through my head. From how hot it is, to what bugs I'm sure are eating her alive. What does she do all day? Is she so scared that she can't even really move? I wish I could crawl inside her little head and tell her everything is ok and that I'm only here to take care of her and love her.

Sarah didn't even get to meet her yet which is one of the main reasons all of this pisses me off. A dog we both loved from the second we saw her adorable little face online. I was going to surprise Sarah when she came in to town last weekend by having Lexi in her cage when she got there. Instead it was umm...Lexi is gone.

I feel like someone ripped my heart out my chest. I feel like the worst owner ever. None of this was my fault, seeing as how I didn't kick a hole in the damn fence. But I know that I am somehow still responsible for it happening because I'm the human...I'm the smart one (who didn't check the fence) and it is my job to take care of things that can't care for themselves.

5:00 can't get here fast enough so I can hopefully find the little furball down where she was yesterday and rescue her. I just pray to God that she is not sick from the heat, lack of water etc. Please God...I want this dog. I can't take feeling like I'm going to burst into tears at any second...that's not me. I just want her safe and sound.

The Hardest Thing...Ever

Things changed this weekend in my relationship. Sarah told her mom about her and us.

After having a bad day and being in a horrible mood, everything came rushing out of her in a tear filled tirade. And who could blame her? After having to hide such a big part of her life for years, seriously who could blame her? At first her mom took it pretty well, but as the days have passed things have begun to sink in and as I've experienced...it gets increasingly harder for a little bit.

It's hard because you feel guilty for 'disturbing the so-called peace' in their lives. You blame yourself, you beat yourself up, you can hardly eat or sleep because you feel so uneasy about everything. It's like you are at their mercy because you said your part...and now you just have to wait to hear what they say and ask. It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through, but in the end it makes you a MUCH stronger person. You really find out what you're made of.

I feel helpless just sitting an hour and a half away, listening to her voice quiver and her nose sniffle trying to fight back more tears. I've been there, but everyone's journey is different. I am trying to be as supportive and reassuring as possible, but it's hard to get her to listen when she feels so miserable and helpless. IT DOES GET BETTER!! It's just extremely hard at first...but it does get better.

Your parents love you no matter what, but you obviously feel like you've let everyone down. You haven't though. It's just a different path than what everyone else had planned for you. Sometimes people get so caught up in what they want that they forget to ask you what YOU want. What makes YOU happy?

If given the choice, I don't think either of us would have ever been like "Oooh do I want to be gay? Yes, please...sign me up." It doesn't work like that though.Your life kind of chooses you. If it means someone feels differently about you after the fact, then fuck them. But your parents are your parents and they're going to love you regardless of how you live your life. Parents and their children disagree on things...it happens. But you have to live your life the way your heart tells you. Not how everyone else thinks you should.

My heart is breaking for her right now and I wish I could just take all the pain and nervousness away because I remember quite vividly how awful it was to feel like that. Keep your head high and have patience.... You are loved very much.

IT WILL GET BETTER!!!

That's Where It Is

In a midnight talk, in a morning kiss,
When I'm in your arms, that's where it is,
When we're tangled up and can't resist,
When we feel that rush, that's where it is...

Slackers

Everyone I follow on Blogger has been slacking severely in the blogging dept. Myself included I suppose. I guess it's just that time of year!

I have been a busy little bee since last Thursday!!!

Thursday was super duper special in that it was mine and Sarah's 6 month anniversary!!! I drove down to Charlotte and got us a room for the night. She met me there after work and it was just nice to spend the evening together enjoying each other's company and laughing and reminiscing about the past 6 months and everything we've done together. It was a great night :)

The next morning she had to leave for work and I had to leave for Myrtle Beach for my tournament. What a long and boring drive MB is. I listened to music the whole way and thought about how badly I wished Sarah were in the car next to me and going to the beach with me.

The tournament was good. We won the whole thing. The girls got to spend some time at the beach and at the pool at the hotel. We had good food and drinks the whole time. It was a much needed trip for the team, and I'm so happy everyone had such a fun time!

As much fun as it was, there was of course something missing. I was having a good time, but the whole time in my mind all I could think about was how I wanted to be enjoying it with Sarah. Until you feel this way about someone, it's easy to go away for the weekend and enjoy yourself blah blah blah. But in our case, it kind of sucks. You go places and do things and you just want to share it with the person you love. We've both been on beach trips now this year, but none together.

I'm pretty sure we're gonna find a way to make it happen though. I just want to be able to go and have that relaxed, sun-kissed, beachy feeling and be able to share it with her. I can't wait!!!

Refreshed

Last night I had the privilege of watching one of the most interesting and beautiful sunsets I've yet to see at my new apartment. My building sits on the third highest point in Greensboro and offers a a wide open view of the west and north, including the entire airport property. Day in and day out, when I get home from work, I get to sit back and prop my feet up and watch the sun go down and the planes take off. It is truly remarkable some days... like last night.

So I'm kind of a weather geek and get overly excited when it's going to storm. I've been obsessed with weather since I can remember. Some kids drew smiley faces on their Light Brights... Well this kid pretended it was a radar screen and would use the little colored pegs to create "storm cells." Told you...I'm a weather geek! Whatever...

The weather was weird this weekend. It was supposed to storm and rain the whole time, but instead of was just overcast but never really rained or stormed consistently. But on Sunday, the skies cleared a little and allowed the sun to peak through until late afternoon, when a shower came through and a front approached. When I got home yesterday evening, I could see some storms forming in the distance as the sun set.

 

It was gorgeous and this picture really doesn't do it justice. I sat there, in the still air and watched as the sun slowly continued to sink towards the horizon. It was the slowest moving storm I've ever seen form. But as the sun continued to go down, it only got prettier.

 

With the last rays of the sun barely peeking over the mountains in the horizon, the clouds grew darker and darker. I was annoying the pure hell out of my roommate by demanding he come watch this sunset too. I mean, it was just too cool to not watch. So there we sat. Him watching quietly and peacefully, while I rambled on and on about how cool the clouds looked.

With the sun virtually gone, the clouds really popped and looked both ominous and beautiful at the same time. It still appeared way off in the distance, but I could see the various rain bands. We continued to sit there and talk...I continued ooh-ing and aww-ing over the sight in front of me. Finally it got close enough to where you could really see the details in the clouds. At one point, the edge of the storm looked like there were 3 or 4 funnel clouds dropping. They were only really low clouds, but it was still neat to look at. But finally it got so close it looked like I could reach out and touch the clouds.

This picture makes it look like it was still far away, but trust me, it looked as though it was right in front of my face just inches from the balcony. As it closed in, I told Jacob that this was my favorite part and he asked why. I love when you're sitting there waiting on a storm. You can hear it in the distance, but where you are the air is still and quiet...sometimes sticky with humidity. But then the most amazing part happens. All of a sudden it's there. You hear the first nice gust of wind rustle the leaves in the all the surrounding trees. The air drastically changes in a matter of seconds and then it hits you. That cool breeze sweeps across your face and it's like a breath of fresh air.

No matter what kind of day I'm having, when that happens it instantly soothes my soul and brings about this inner peace. It's as if my busy world rewards me with that moment of instant refreshment. 

Well this has been one of my more dorky posts, but whatever. I appreciate the little things...and weather is just one of those things that will forever fascinate me!

Happy Monday...bring on the storms!!!

I'm Here, You're There...But Here We Are

I woke up in a rather foul mood this morning for unknown reasons really. I wake up every morning missing Sarah, but today was more brutal than others for some reason. Just put me in a bad/weird mood for a little bit.  It also doesn't help that she's down at the beach soaking up the rays and I'm in flippin' Greesnboro staring at the cloudy skies.

Look weather, either or rain and storm or clear up. I don't mind storms, but this cloudy ish needs to stop. It's cramping my style!

It's hard when she goes on trips with her friends. I want her to go and have fun and all that jazz. But what gets me is that I want to be doing those things with her. I knew our schedules would probably be opposites this summer...which they more or less have been thus far. That's ok. As they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I have definitely become a firm believer in this statement.

Being in a relationship where we have spent more time apart than we have together, yet still feeling the way we do for each other day in and day out has absolutely blown my mind. I know we are apart a lot, however it never really feels that way in the grand scheme of things. There are a million reminders every day. Certain songs and things I see that bring her to me. Even though miles separate us, nothing stands in the way of the feelings we share.

I've never ever felt things like this before. I'm not being cliche or corny. I just honestly have never felt this kind of thing before. Where I'm apart from someone, yet with them at the same time. I swear we have ESP or something. We think and say the same things at the same time. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night for no reason at all...something just wakes me up. And I either call her and she's up too, or we talk about it the next day and it happens that she was up at the same time. There are all these little things about us that add up to this HUGE connection we have that I believe won't be broken.

Bumps in the road? Sure...plenty. There will always be bumps. 50 years from now there will be bumps. I just love that even though I'm here...and she is there. We are always still together. It's an intriguing experience. Something I've never known, but am so glad to go through.

Every day, every day, every day...we are with each other every day.

I Want It All

I'm frustrated.

I want what I want, and I want it now. Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds. But I'm throwing a fit regardless. There are certain things that I want. Right nowwwww. I want them to happen today. Tomorrow even. I want to know certain things. I want something to be in sight. I want it all. This is a weak moment, but we all have them. I'll find a distraction and be over it in a little bit. I hate feeling weak like this.

Thank you, Jack Johnson...

Whenever

Love, through the trees, past the sky
Beyond the northern lights.
You're the same, my delight
Reflecting in your eyes
And I won't let go, if you wait for me
Whenever, wherever
And then you, select the day, selection
Wherever, whenever

We'll go
Wherever, whenever
We'll go
I wanna love forever, love forever, baby.
Wherever, wherever you wanna go
Do-do whatever, do whatever baby
Wherever, wherever, forever together

I fell asleep, don't know why
You let me come alive
You and me, we collide
Ignite the starry fire
And you warm me up, and you wait for it
Whenever, whenever
And then you wake me up, and you wait for it
Whenever, whenever

I wanna go
Wherever, whenever
I wanna go
I wanna love forever, love forever, baby.
Wherever, wherever you wanna go
Do-do whatever, do whatever baby
Wherever, wherever, forever together
Whenever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever

I love you forever and ever and always I love you
Whenever you need me
I'll be there right by you
Whenever you call me
I'm there when you call
Whenever you're falling
I'm there when you fall
Wherever your going
I'll be right there showing
Our love's always growing and growing and growing
I know that you know it, there's no need for guessing
When I am requesting, I'm there with no questions
As... I'll go, wherever, whenever
If ever, you need me, I'll be here
Forever