Last night I had some crazy dream and there were leeches in it... I googled what it meant when there are leeches in your dream and the consensus was that you are stressed and there is something that is sucking the energy out of you haha. Ok then..
I'm very tired. There is stuff going on that is stressing me out. I just want it to be next week and to know a couple of things...
Last night I attended the Guilford County Sports Hall of Fame induction ceremony. Saw a lot of people I knew from over the years.. I really didn't think about what I was going to until I was actually there. Then it kind of hit me when I heard all of these people recounting all their old stories and their successful careers. I ended up getting really really upset. I guess I don't think about it that much, so when I do, I realize how much everything that I went through impacted me. I sat at our table holding back tears the entire night. When I got home, I called Sarah and pretty much lost it on the phone. I hardly ever get emotional in front of people because it's just not something I enjoy doing.
I'm glad she was able to calm me down and talk some sense into me. I'm very hard on myself when it comes to living up to expectations, and I can't help but feel like I did everything BUT that. In high school, my name was bigger than how I played (in my opinion at least). Here I was...local superstar slated to attend the best school for basketball in the country...and then I couldn't get healthy. Ever since I became well-known around the area and nation, I had MANY critics. People said "you'll never make it there, she's not good enough, she's not tough enough, how in the world did she end up at uconn, what's so special about her..." Even my own teammates on my high school team questioned me and never supported me. There was always hostility and animosity towards me...even from coaches. Somewhere along the line...whether it be my injury or what people were saying...somewhere along the way I lost the edge. I lost my confidence and questioned myself. When I left for school that summer, in my head I wasn't good enough and at best, would just coast along and hopefully win a national championship.
We all know how that panned out...
It's just hard to look back at all of that and feel like a success. Sure, I made it there...but I didn't make it any further. Even at Richmond I faced the same shit from high school. I was 'the UConn transfer.' Why can't she play, I bet she's faking her injury, she is always hurt, she thinks she's special, no wonder she left UConn... It's always been the same old shit from people. It's aggrevating and I don't care who you are...when people continuously say things like that about you, it gets to you. I don't care how mentally strong you are. It gets to you.
Everybody said not to listen...but when it's all you hear about yourself, eventually you begin to believe it. I was weak and caved to it. Obviously the injury situation was the real kicker in all of this. There was legitimately something wrong and it took 5 years to prove it. 'Suck on that bitches' is how I felt after I finally found out what was wrong. Well that, and also 'shit my career is over and I did nothing I could have.'
But Sarah reminded me that I have the chance to use my coaching as a means to leave my legacy. She reminded me that it was in God's plan how everything happened and that there is something else for me to do. She's right...I know she's right, it's still just hard because as a player you want to be great. As a coach you do too...but for good athletes it's different. It's a feeling I'll never be able to fully put into words. But I really took what she said to heart last night and will try to focus on that from now on.
I'm very tired. There is stuff going on that is stressing me out. I just want it to be next week and to know a couple of things...
Last night I attended the Guilford County Sports Hall of Fame induction ceremony. Saw a lot of people I knew from over the years.. I really didn't think about what I was going to until I was actually there. Then it kind of hit me when I heard all of these people recounting all their old stories and their successful careers. I ended up getting really really upset. I guess I don't think about it that much, so when I do, I realize how much everything that I went through impacted me. I sat at our table holding back tears the entire night. When I got home, I called Sarah and pretty much lost it on the phone. I hardly ever get emotional in front of people because it's just not something I enjoy doing.
I'm glad she was able to calm me down and talk some sense into me. I'm very hard on myself when it comes to living up to expectations, and I can't help but feel like I did everything BUT that. In high school, my name was bigger than how I played (in my opinion at least). Here I was...local superstar slated to attend the best school for basketball in the country...and then I couldn't get healthy. Ever since I became well-known around the area and nation, I had MANY critics. People said "you'll never make it there, she's not good enough, she's not tough enough, how in the world did she end up at uconn, what's so special about her..." Even my own teammates on my high school team questioned me and never supported me. There was always hostility and animosity towards me...even from coaches. Somewhere along the line...whether it be my injury or what people were saying...somewhere along the way I lost the edge. I lost my confidence and questioned myself. When I left for school that summer, in my head I wasn't good enough and at best, would just coast along and hopefully win a national championship.
We all know how that panned out...
It's just hard to look back at all of that and feel like a success. Sure, I made it there...but I didn't make it any further. Even at Richmond I faced the same shit from high school. I was 'the UConn transfer.' Why can't she play, I bet she's faking her injury, she is always hurt, she thinks she's special, no wonder she left UConn... It's always been the same old shit from people. It's aggrevating and I don't care who you are...when people continuously say things like that about you, it gets to you. I don't care how mentally strong you are. It gets to you.
Everybody said not to listen...but when it's all you hear about yourself, eventually you begin to believe it. I was weak and caved to it. Obviously the injury situation was the real kicker in all of this. There was legitimately something wrong and it took 5 years to prove it. 'Suck on that bitches' is how I felt after I finally found out what was wrong. Well that, and also 'shit my career is over and I did nothing I could have.'
But Sarah reminded me that I have the chance to use my coaching as a means to leave my legacy. She reminded me that it was in God's plan how everything happened and that there is something else for me to do. She's right...I know she's right, it's still just hard because as a player you want to be great. As a coach you do too...but for good athletes it's different. It's a feeling I'll never be able to fully put into words. But I really took what she said to heart last night and will try to focus on that from now on.
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