1.19.2011
1.16.2011
i hate the world today..
I hate the world right now. I hate the fact that society and the world today can put so much pressure on people like me. I hate the fact that we have to lie... Lie about what makes us happy. Who we're with. How we feel about them.
It is beyond unfair the pressure that some parents can place on their children to live up to some sort of expectation they have. Why must we suppress our emotions just to conform to some view our elders have placed on us since birth.
So we're a little bit different...we like other things. Why should we have to go through hell just to be who we are? Someone I love is hurting right now...and I feel awful because I've been there. To an extent, I'm still there. I still feel guilty sometimes...
It boils down to the fact that we love our parents dearly. We don't want to disappoint them. All we want is their love, support and approval. We try and protect our parents from things we think will hurt or upset them. But at some point...we destroy ourselves in the process.
It kills me that some parents can make a child feel so afraid to express his or herself that they destroy themselves. Look at all of the teen suicides...its not just school bullying... Parents don't know the stress they put on their children in situations like this.
ALL WE WANT TO DO IS MAKE YOU HAPPY, PARENTS.
As children, we grow up hearing "just be yourself.." Why is that revoked once we're older and can make our own life decisions? At some point, we have to realize we are adults and should make our decisions based on what is best for us. We love our parents and respect them...but we are adults. We shouldn't have to feel like we have run around like little kids and hide certain things about ourselves.
I mostly hate the world because I can't be there drying tears right now. I'm stuck here fighting my thoughts and fears, all while worrying myself to death over someone else. I feel helpless because there is virtually nothing I can do, and I'm not ok with it. When you love someone, you're always there for them. I hate being at someone else's mercy...I hate feeling helpless and left to guess at what is going to happen next. I guess that's where I'm not patient in life.
I just want to be able to do something...
It is beyond unfair the pressure that some parents can place on their children to live up to some sort of expectation they have. Why must we suppress our emotions just to conform to some view our elders have placed on us since birth.
So we're a little bit different...we like other things. Why should we have to go through hell just to be who we are? Someone I love is hurting right now...and I feel awful because I've been there. To an extent, I'm still there. I still feel guilty sometimes...
It boils down to the fact that we love our parents dearly. We don't want to disappoint them. All we want is their love, support and approval. We try and protect our parents from things we think will hurt or upset them. But at some point...we destroy ourselves in the process.
It kills me that some parents can make a child feel so afraid to express his or herself that they destroy themselves. Look at all of the teen suicides...its not just school bullying... Parents don't know the stress they put on their children in situations like this.
ALL WE WANT TO DO IS MAKE YOU HAPPY, PARENTS.
As children, we grow up hearing "just be yourself.." Why is that revoked once we're older and can make our own life decisions? At some point, we have to realize we are adults and should make our decisions based on what is best for us. We love our parents and respect them...but we are adults. We shouldn't have to feel like we have run around like little kids and hide certain things about ourselves.
I mostly hate the world because I can't be there drying tears right now. I'm stuck here fighting my thoughts and fears, all while worrying myself to death over someone else. I feel helpless because there is virtually nothing I can do, and I'm not ok with it. When you love someone, you're always there for them. I hate being at someone else's mercy...I hate feeling helpless and left to guess at what is going to happen next. I guess that's where I'm not patient in life.
I just want to be able to do something...
1.13.2011
My Disney World
Has anticipation ever been known to kill someone? Sometimes the anticipation of something I'm really excited about feels like it might just kill me. I mean this in the best way possible of course...
I love that there are things in life that can make you feel that way. If you were lucky enough as a kid to experience Disney World, you know the exact feeling I'm talking about. I was luckier than most because I was born in Orlando...lived 20 minutes from the Magic Kingdom. Talk about some awesome memories. Unforgettable feelings. I love that as an adult, I can feel the exact same feeling that I did yeeeeears ago. That feeling of can't sleep, can't sit still, can't focus, can't stop grinning... I remember how the night before going to Disney in the morning felt like: I would lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, looking out the window to see if it was light yet, listening for some movement in the house to let me know it was time to get up...the sever let down when I realized it wasn't even midnight yet. I would lie there like a big ball of nervous energy, full of anticipation for the coming day's fun activities.
In the morning, you can't get dressed fast enough. Can't choke down your Cheerios fast enough. So excited your fingers shake when you're trying to velcro your shoe (haha yea, I wore velcro light up shoes) Getting annoyed that everyone else wasn't ready when you were. The ride to the park being the longest drive everrrrrr. And then it happens...you park the car and take the first step towards what you're so excited about. And then you see what you've been dreaming about for days...the castle stands there in front of you like best thing you've ever laid eyes on. All you want to do is run into the park as fast as you can because the moment has finally come...
I'm so happy I can still feel that as an adult. It is such an honest, raw, innocent feeling that is next to impossible to hide. Every one sees it..especially your roommate as you run around the house like a crazy person--mostly just trying to keep your brain occupied until the thing you've been dreaming about is finally there.
That's how I feel these days...like a little kid, laying in bed every night anxiously awaiting the thing that makes my heart beat the fastest and makes me the most excited. I wish everyone had this feeling :)
Even on your worst days, this feeling saves you and snaps you out of your funk.
Anticipation....powerful stuff.
I love that there are things in life that can make you feel that way. If you were lucky enough as a kid to experience Disney World, you know the exact feeling I'm talking about. I was luckier than most because I was born in Orlando...lived 20 minutes from the Magic Kingdom. Talk about some awesome memories. Unforgettable feelings. I love that as an adult, I can feel the exact same feeling that I did yeeeeears ago. That feeling of can't sleep, can't sit still, can't focus, can't stop grinning... I remember how the night before going to Disney in the morning felt like: I would lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, looking out the window to see if it was light yet, listening for some movement in the house to let me know it was time to get up...the sever let down when I realized it wasn't even midnight yet. I would lie there like a big ball of nervous energy, full of anticipation for the coming day's fun activities.
In the morning, you can't get dressed fast enough. Can't choke down your Cheerios fast enough. So excited your fingers shake when you're trying to velcro your shoe (haha yea, I wore velcro light up shoes) Getting annoyed that everyone else wasn't ready when you were. The ride to the park being the longest drive everrrrrr. And then it happens...you park the car and take the first step towards what you're so excited about. And then you see what you've been dreaming about for days...the castle stands there in front of you like best thing you've ever laid eyes on. All you want to do is run into the park as fast as you can because the moment has finally come...
I'm so happy I can still feel that as an adult. It is such an honest, raw, innocent feeling that is next to impossible to hide. Every one sees it..especially your roommate as you run around the house like a crazy person--mostly just trying to keep your brain occupied until the thing you've been dreaming about is finally there.
That's how I feel these days...like a little kid, laying in bed every night anxiously awaiting the thing that makes my heart beat the fastest and makes me the most excited. I wish everyone had this feeling :)
Even on your worst days, this feeling saves you and snaps you out of your funk.
Anticipation....powerful stuff.
1.12.2011
Long, Slow, Beautiful Dance
Everything in our world today is fast paced. Bigger, better, faster... Everything. Every one wants everything to be done right now, or they want to have something right this second.
Where's my food? Why are these commercials so long? I wish she/he would just get to the point. This drive takes forever.
Everyone is guilty of it...myself included. How satisfying are the things that we get right away? How good does a Big Mac feel later in your stomach? Sure it's ordered and in your hands in a matter of minutes. But think about a filet mignon or a grilled lamb chop... How amazing does that taste? Pretty damn good... But definitely doesn't come out as fast a Big Mac.
My point is...when you compare things like this, there is no question. The things that take a little bit longer are usually worth it.
I've got 'filet' in my life right now in the form of an amazing girl. I didn't go searching for the quick fix to satiate my hunger. I waited...I waited patiently and stumbled upon someone amazing. While things between us took off at lightning speed, they are now at a normal pace where everyday is a gift and another opportunity to uncover yet another reason to love this person.
Some days are longer than others....the days where I don't physically get to see her. But I still maintain that every day is a gift. Thankfully we live in a day and age where technology allows us to 'see' each other. Many people didn't have that. That's why I'm a fan of some old school stuff...I still think handwritten things are romantic and that some things should just be said in person.
I'm sitting here listening to one of my favorite bands ever (Rascal Flatts!!) Long, Slow, Beautiful Dance...and I can't help but think about my life right now. All of this is just that:
A deep breath and baby steps
That's how the whole thing starts
It's a long slow beautiful dance
To the beat of a heart
And right now...I'm dancing to the beat of my heart. Which beats pretty fast these days :)
Where's my food? Why are these commercials so long? I wish she/he would just get to the point. This drive takes forever.
Everyone is guilty of it...myself included. How satisfying are the things that we get right away? How good does a Big Mac feel later in your stomach? Sure it's ordered and in your hands in a matter of minutes. But think about a filet mignon or a grilled lamb chop... How amazing does that taste? Pretty damn good... But definitely doesn't come out as fast a Big Mac.
My point is...when you compare things like this, there is no question. The things that take a little bit longer are usually worth it.
I've got 'filet' in my life right now in the form of an amazing girl. I didn't go searching for the quick fix to satiate my hunger. I waited...I waited patiently and stumbled upon someone amazing. While things between us took off at lightning speed, they are now at a normal pace where everyday is a gift and another opportunity to uncover yet another reason to love this person.
Some days are longer than others....the days where I don't physically get to see her. But I still maintain that every day is a gift. Thankfully we live in a day and age where technology allows us to 'see' each other. Many people didn't have that. That's why I'm a fan of some old school stuff...I still think handwritten things are romantic and that some things should just be said in person.
I'm sitting here listening to one of my favorite bands ever (Rascal Flatts!!) Long, Slow, Beautiful Dance...and I can't help but think about my life right now. All of this is just that:
A deep breath and baby steps
That's how the whole thing starts
It's a long slow beautiful dance
To the beat of a heart
And right now...I'm dancing to the beat of my heart. Which beats pretty fast these days :)
12.23.2010
Happiness
Happiness is a destination that's hard to find. Or so it seems sometimes. I think its hard because we're afraid to be happy. That's probably the case for me.
But right now I am very happy. I'm with an incredible girl who has already shown me a lot about myself. I'm completely myself...probably becoming a better version of myself with her.
I wasn't looking for love when we met...I wasn't really looking for anything. But that's usually when something of this magnitude grabs you and pulls you in.
Christmas is the day after tomorrow. It seems like this year has flown by. I've been through a lot. Mostly good...a few rough patches, but I think it's been a great year. Especially the way it's ending.
I love life right now...I can't wait for each new day.
But right now I am very happy. I'm with an incredible girl who has already shown me a lot about myself. I'm completely myself...probably becoming a better version of myself with her.
I wasn't looking for love when we met...I wasn't really looking for anything. But that's usually when something of this magnitude grabs you and pulls you in.
Christmas is the day after tomorrow. It seems like this year has flown by. I've been through a lot. Mostly good...a few rough patches, but I think it's been a great year. Especially the way it's ending.
I love life right now...I can't wait for each new day.
11.30.2010
Time flies...
Time never ceases to amaze me.
It can crawl by or fly by at lightning speed. It always seems that the bad things in life are the times that go by the slowest. Why is it that the good things can't seem to last that long.
For example...
You meet someone and totally hit it off. Like out of the park. The two of you share one of those indescribable connections. Its baffling. Fast forward one week. You're still talking...even more so now. During a conversation, you both realize, "Oh wow...we've only known each other a week..." In one week, you've both uncovered so much about the other, and really strong feelings have evolved. One week....you feel like you've known each other for years.
That's where I am. In one week, things have been all over the place! Been on highs, been on lows. Worked through some shit and grown stronger. In the week that I've known this person, I've experienced so many things and I love it.
A lot can happen in a week. I decided to move out. Told my family on Tuesday and was moved in by Saturday. How's that for fast? An opportunity arose and I had to take it. It was the right time in my life and I'm loving it. I woke up yesterday feeling a little weird about things...I'm sure that will happen a few more times, but the bottom line is, I am ready. I needed this. My parents needed this. It is a great situation. I'm in a gorgeous, huge house with an awesome roommate I work with. We get along so well. The neighborhood is safe and quiet. Did I mention the house is awesome?
I am out on my own, and for the first time in a while I just feel really good. I feel like I'm on my own two feet. I know things will get stressful...I've always worked better with my back against the wall.
I just have to make sure I balance everything in my life... which can be challenging.
It can crawl by or fly by at lightning speed. It always seems that the bad things in life are the times that go by the slowest. Why is it that the good things can't seem to last that long.
For example...
You meet someone and totally hit it off. Like out of the park. The two of you share one of those indescribable connections. Its baffling. Fast forward one week. You're still talking...even more so now. During a conversation, you both realize, "Oh wow...we've only known each other a week..." In one week, you've both uncovered so much about the other, and really strong feelings have evolved. One week....you feel like you've known each other for years.
That's where I am. In one week, things have been all over the place! Been on highs, been on lows. Worked through some shit and grown stronger. In the week that I've known this person, I've experienced so many things and I love it.
A lot can happen in a week. I decided to move out. Told my family on Tuesday and was moved in by Saturday. How's that for fast? An opportunity arose and I had to take it. It was the right time in my life and I'm loving it. I woke up yesterday feeling a little weird about things...I'm sure that will happen a few more times, but the bottom line is, I am ready. I needed this. My parents needed this. It is a great situation. I'm in a gorgeous, huge house with an awesome roommate I work with. We get along so well. The neighborhood is safe and quiet. Did I mention the house is awesome?
I am out on my own, and for the first time in a while I just feel really good. I feel like I'm on my own two feet. I know things will get stressful...I've always worked better with my back against the wall.
I just have to make sure I balance everything in my life... which can be challenging.
11.20.2010
Kings of Leon
If you like good music...download the newest Kings of Leon CD. It's different, and until a few weeks ago, I hadn't given it a chance.
I'm sitting here in pajamas at 10:00 on a Saturday night. I have people texting me who are about to go out and party. For once, I don't really envy them. No, I'm perfectly content sitting here writing this blog, waiting on the next text to light up my phone.
Yesterday night and today were amazing. The stupid shit that life hits you with had no affect on me today. I am high on life right now. Truth is, I'm petrified to be happy about it.
It is probably too early to read into things, but for those of you that read this, there might just be someone new appearing in my coming posts. It just kind of depends. Right now...things are looking good. Great. Perfect. Amazing.
I have butterflies in my stomach for the first time in a long time. I love it. I love that people can do that to you.
This is short and sweet, but I am just so happy in this moment. Beaming! Grinning from ear to ear...thoughts a'racing. Butterflies fluttering. Kings of Leon reminding me of all the great things from the past 24 hours.
adjfasjdfcsjdfg;kcjaifjoiaejfoiajsdofkjalkdsfaihjroitaoirj0934t0qhef0q92hefoiwnofijaoiwej2p3jrkwejflksjdfjas-ef0jwepijaosidjfoaij :-D
I'm sitting here in pajamas at 10:00 on a Saturday night. I have people texting me who are about to go out and party. For once, I don't really envy them. No, I'm perfectly content sitting here writing this blog, waiting on the next text to light up my phone.
Yesterday night and today were amazing. The stupid shit that life hits you with had no affect on me today. I am high on life right now. Truth is, I'm petrified to be happy about it.
It is probably too early to read into things, but for those of you that read this, there might just be someone new appearing in my coming posts. It just kind of depends. Right now...things are looking good. Great. Perfect. Amazing.
I have butterflies in my stomach for the first time in a long time. I love it. I love that people can do that to you.
This is short and sweet, but I am just so happy in this moment. Beaming! Grinning from ear to ear...thoughts a'racing. Butterflies fluttering. Kings of Leon reminding me of all the great things from the past 24 hours.
adjfasjdfcsjdfg;kcjaifjoiaejfoiajsdofkjalkdsfaihjroitaoirj0934t0qhef0q92hefoiwnofijaoiwej2p3jrkwejflksjdfjas-ef0jwepijaosidjfoaij :-D
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