You Are Loved

You are loved.

At your best and at your worst
Whatever the case, I'll put you first.

You are loved.

When you're angry and when you're sad
I'll lift you up, remind you it's really not so bad.

You are loved.

Upset or angry and you shut it down
I wait to listen and hide my frown.

You are loved.

Busy or distracted, it doesn't matter
My thoughts about you never scatter.

You are loved.

On top of a mountain or sitting by the sea
There's never a dull moment when you're with me.

You are loved.

Back and forth, and up and down
Even when we go round and round.

You are loved.

Sometimes stubborn and rather difficult
Even when my days are full of tumult.

You are loved.

In the dead of night while you sleep so sound
I watch you and thank God for what I found.

You are loved.

Your breath so soft as your lips close in
A surge of emotions arise from within.

You are loved.

When you laugh out loud or when you yell
Any day without you feels like hell.

You are loved.

Sporting a big smile or a stream of tears
There's a burning desire to erase all of your fears.

You are loved.

Every sound, look, smell or touch
I get so lost, it doesn't take much.

You are loved.

In the most intimate moments or in our trying times
My pulse still races and my heart rate still climbs.

When things feel bad and you feel like you've been shoved.
Shut your eyes. Feel me close. And know...that you are loved.

You are loved.

Long Monday

I'm currently sitting on my balcony watching an amazing light show. There is lightning all around in the distance and it's lighting up the whole sky. That little breeze finally picked up, which would be why I can actually sit outside and enjoy the show and write without melting from the sizzling inferno its been lately.

I feel like there is so much going on inside me, but I don't know exactly what. There's a lot of emotions, feelings and thoughts going round and round in my head. I feel it in my head, I feel it in my heart...I feel it in my bones its so active.

I just can't really figure out what IT is. It obviously has to do with the difficult time that Sarah is going through. I know how hard things are and it absolutely kills me that I can't just take away the hurt for her. All of this has moved our relationship into a new stage. Before, our conversations were a lot different than they are now. Maybe not a lot, but heavy topics and conversations weren't so usual as they are now. I don't mind at all. I love the transition actually because it forces you to take that next step into handling mature, adult problems with each other. It forces you to talk about certain things that otherwise might go undiscussed.

I think my biggest thing right now is being scared. I'm scared about a lot. I don't want to admit it at all...but it is what it is--I'm scared right now. I don't even know how to bring it up in conversation without it somehow feeling like I'm adding pressure or stress to an already over-stressed, over-pressured, battered soul. You think I want to do that?!? Hell no! I'm trying to suck it up and talk myself down when I get to worrying, but it's hard. It's very difficult. But I'm strong and I want to be strong for her right now because that's what she needs. She is weak right now because of everything that's happened. That's ok...that is what the person who loves you is supposed to do for you. When I'm weak, she's strong. It works..

Today I sat on my bed and looked at the pictures of us in my room. I've been rather sappy lately (crazy hormones!!) so as I sat there staring, I felt that oh-so-familiar lump creep up in my throat. I sat there and looked at her picture and thought to myself that I could never look into anyone else's eyes and feel what I do for, ever again. I look at every detail of her and it makes my heart hurt she makes me feel so good. I don't ever want to lose this love.

I'm running out of words as my head refills with clutter. Cluttered thoughts that I can't seem to make any headway sorting through. I miss things...but I know, from experience, that all hard times pass.

"Tough times don't last, but tough people do." -I would just like to add that tough people are also tough enough to remind someone who's feeling weak about just how tough they really are.

Stumble Upon (SU) Randos

"When someone says 'You've changed,' it simply means you've stopped living your life their way."

Harboring Hatred

I'm harboring a deep hatred for the world today. It scares me how angry I am right now. Hatred can destroy a person. This is the hate that could in fact destroy me. If you have ever put pressure on someone to be a certain way or do certain things that the world deems 'the norm,' then you get a big 'ol FUCK YOU!

Fuck all of the people that don't know how to love themselves right, so they make everyone else miserable and drag them down into their sick little world. How sad it is that absolutely no one has balls anymore? No one will stand up for what they believe in because our fucked up world has warped everyone's brains. You better stand for something or you'll fall for anything.

I HATE how we live today. No one looks at the inside anymore. It's all about outward appearances and what people look like to everyone else. Hell, I'm guilty half the time until I stop myself and remind myself that I'm my own person and no one dictates how I live or what I look like. I won't give in to what this world wants.

I live in a world where I am who I am and I'm thanked for it. Am I different based on what the world says I should be? Hell yes I am. I'm about as different as they come. I'm 6'5 and I prefer the same sex. Crucify me why don't you, world? That's the world I used to live in. I was scared. I cared about what everyone would think about me if they knew my inner most secrets. And then everything came spilling out and it got even worse. Until I had a revelation and realized that living life is about what makes you happy...not what makes everyone else happy. As soon as I adopted that attitude, my life changed. My parents' attitude changed as well, because they saw that I had accepted things too.

It's the hardest thing in the world... to be different. But when you realize that you're actually not that different, your world changes. When you realize that people envy you, your world changes. People envy you because you actually know who you are. They see you unafraid and living your life to the fullest and they want that too. You are happy and they want it so bad that they will try and knock you off your pedestal.

There will always be those people who can't escape the real world. Those people will live unfulfilled lives and may appear happy outwardly, but if you could see their heart every night they go to sleep, you'd see the pain they're carrying. Those are the kind of people who's tombstone should read, "Lived my life to please everyone but myself. Hope you're all happy. Wish I had a second chance."

I'm so angry at the world that I just want to throw up right now. I can feel my blood boiling and coursing through my veins.

This sick, fucked up world is the reason that the best thing that ever happened to me is running away right now. And I have no idea how to stop the bleeding.

Thank you, thoughtless, careless world...you've been most helpful.

Wishing Well -The Airbone Toxic Event

Standing on a bus stop
Feeling your head pop
Out in the night
In the kind of night
Where you want to be out
On the street, on the street
Crawling up the walls
Like a cat in heat

And the air is thin
And it blows through your skin
And you feel like something
Is about to begin
But you don't know what
And you don't know when
So you tear at your hair
And you scratch at your skin

You wanna run away, run away
Just get on the fucking train and leave today
And it doesn't matter where you spend the night
You just might end up somewhere in a fight, in a fight
Or calling your room on a concrete shelf
Fighting all alone, with yourself, with yourself
And you just wanna feel like a coin that's been tossed
In a wishing well, a wishing well
A wishing well, a wishing well
Well you're tossed in the air
And you fell and you fell
Through the dark blue waters
Where you cast your spell
Like you were just a wish that could turn out well

So you stand on the corner
Where the angels sit
And you think to yourself,
"This is it, this is it
This is all that I have
All I can stand
Is this air in my lungs
And this coin in my hand"
That you tossed in the air
And I fell, and I fell
All the way to the bottom
Of the well, of the well
Like those soft little secrets
That you tell, that you tell
To yourself, when you think
No one's listening to, well

And the walls spin
And you're paper-thin
From the haze of the smoke
And the mess calling
The threat of your brow
Under unmade sheets
In your ear with the noise
From the darkest streets
We ran far and wide
You screamed, you cried
You thought suicide was an alibi
But you were always a mess
You were always aloof
Yeah, it's awful, I guess
But it's the awful truth
It was truth from the first
To the last words that she read

And she emerged from the dark
Like a ghost in my head
She said, "I haven't forgot
Any words that you said
I just stare at the clocks
And I cry in my sleep
And I tear up your letters
And I burn them in heaps
And I gather the ashes
In that hole in the ground
Where we fell"

For You

In For the Kill -La Roux

We can fight our desires
But then we start making fires
We get ever so hot
Whether we like it or not
They say we can love who we trust
But what is love without lust?
Two hearts with accurate devotions
And what are feelings without emotions?

I'm going in for the kill
I'm doing it for a thrill
Oh I'm hoping you'll understand
And not let go of my hand

I hang my hopes out on the line
Will they be ready for you in time
If you leave them out too long
They'll be withered by the sun
Full stops and exclamation marks
My words stumble before I start
How far can you send emotions?
Can this bridge cross the ocean?

I'm going in for the kill
I'm doing it for a thrill
Oh I'm hoping you'll understand
And not let go of my hand

Let's go to war
To make peace
Let's be cold
To create heat
I hope in darkness
We can see
And you're not blinded by the light from me

I'm going in for the kill
I'm doing it for a thrill
Oh I'm hoping you'll understand
And not let go of my hand

Break Away

This weekend was good. Great, actually!

Sarah was able to come up for the weekend and we got away for a little bit. We went camping up at Hanging Rock and had an awesome time, just the two of us!

She got here Friday night and we just hung out and crashed relatively early. Got up the next day, packed and got everything ready, stopped by the store to pick up a few things, then hit the road!

By 1:30 we were on the mountain with our campsite all set up. We headed down to the lake and decided to rent out a rowboat and paddle out to the middle of the lake, crack a couple beers and just relax. So we did just that :)  We were on the water for about an hour, just talking and enjoying the beautiful weather before a little storm rolled in. We rowed back as fast as we could--I'm quite a bit stronger, so we kind of rowed sideways back as one of my reps was about 3 of hers. But we made it back and proceeded to walk back to the campground in a nice rainstorm. It actually felt really good being out in the rain like that. When it was really coming down, we hunkered under a rock to try and keep a stitch or two of our clothes dry. We made it back to the campground as it was slowing down. Sarah wanted a deck of cards, so we headed down to the little store at the bottom of the mountain and picked some up. We never ended up playing...because I'm an idiot!

As it was clearing up, we decided to go hike a few of the falls. It was so nice because everyone left the park because of the storm. It was like we had a whole mountain to ourselves!!! We hiked, and talked, and laughed, and took in the views. It was one of my favorite afternoons with her.

That evening we got back, got the fire going and sat around talking and eating some hot dogs. The sun finally faded away and the bugs started freaking her out, so we turned in relatively early. Thankfully, a good soul let us borrow their air mattress pump because Sarah forgot hers in Charlotte. Didn't quite matter for me, as my ass was on the ground the whole night. But don't worry...Sarah was fine because my weight pushed her side of the mattress up and off the ground! What a turd.

The next morning we slept in until about 9. We got up and drove down the mountain to get some cell phone signal to call our dad's for Father's Day and to check on the status of my coming-any-day-now nephew. Then we went back and started packing up things and had one last hot dog meal (yay) around the fire before loading up and heading out.

We stopped at my sister's house to meet up with my family and have a little lunch. We were both really tired, so we came back to the apartment, unpacked and did some laundry...and SHOWERED! God did the shower feel good haha.

Then we laid around and rested before watching the Yankees demolish the Cubbies :) There was a little bet there that will get fulfilled one day soon!

I loved this weekend because it reiterated what I already knew. I can be with her in a group of people or just the two of us and have an amazing time. Spending time with her never gets old and always leaves me longing for more. There are not enough hours in the day to satisfy that longing. I love every minute of every day of us. Be it a good day or a bad day, my feelings never falter and I love it. It was so nice to get away from the normal day to day and get out to the mountains with her. Definitely gotta do it again soon! Most likely going to be the fall...which just so happens to be my favorite time of year :)

How do you deal with things you are feeling when you feel like you can't express them to the person you're feeling them over? When you know they are already dealing with so much, so you feel as though you can't possibly throw another negative something at them.

What do you do?!

They say and do things that upset you. A lot. Yet you just sit there stewing deciding what to do. Do you say something and make an already bad day worse? Risk sending them over the edge and having them lash out at you and making things worse? I'm at a loss right now because there's a lot going on inside me and I feel like I can't say anything. Not a damn thing.

And I'm really struggling.

I will find a way to be fine...always have, always will. I will remind myself that the person is going through a lot. But how do you get them to see that they are not the only one being affected? It affects you too.

I can't even form coherent thoughts/sentences right now. I feel very out of touch and I'm basically just scared shitless to say anything right now because I don't want to be another source of worry or negativity.

This is when you know your feelings are for real.

Censorship?

You know...there's just some things you don't say to someone. Things that hit below the belt and take the wind out someone or punch a hole in their heart.

You just don't say some things...

The horrible mood continues

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Yes, that pretty much sums today up!

Lover

"A wise lover values not so much the gift of the lover as the love of the giver" -Thomas A Kempis

Dale Carnegie Experience

This week I spent three days attending a Dale Carnegie class with a few coworkers. It was quite the eye-opening experience and I'm very grateful I had the chance to go.

There were many many topics covered in the short three day span. I think the biggest thing I took away from it was the importance of listening. I've always considered myself at least a decent listener. When the situation called for it, of course I was very attentive; however, this class taught me that I need to listen all the time.

You never know when someone just needs to vent or just talk. There are few people that I will just sit and listen to them talk. Lately though, I feel I've done a lot of listening. A lot of people in my life are dealing with stresses and struggles. I wish they could take this class and see that every problem has a solution. You  just have to slow down and think about it. I've always handled stress well. I do feel like I worry too much sometimes. A lot of worry is out of my control, yet I'll sit there and that's the only thing I can think about.

Stress makes you negative. It's written in your face, it's in the tone of your voice and those that are close to you can just tell by your overall demeanor. It turns you into a little monster that you normally aren't. I've been there too. I think I'm better at handling others' stresses more so than my own. When something happens that stresses you out, just stop and take a deep breath. Think about what is the absolute worst possible thing that could happen from this, and if it were to happen is it really even THAT bad?? Then think about all the possible solutions, and come up with a plan of action. It's much easier to deal with things when you break them down and see them for what they really are--small things!

I feel like all I do is listen and lend a helping hand these days. Everyone's got problems and I'm not sure why, but usually everyone comes to me for help. On a case by case basis, it's not that bad. I love helping people--especially the people I love because I feel like that is one way I can show them how much they mean to me. Sometimes I feel like no one listens to me though. Not even that...people get so wrapped up in their own shit that they forget to even bother to ask simple things like "How are you? Did you have a good day? Tell me about your day..."

I don't mind listening...you can pour it on me and pour it on me, but don't forget about me. I have things going on too. Things that I want to talk about, but sometimes don't get the chance to because the person I'm listening to or helping out doesn't take the time to listen back.

It's a frustrating thing, but I'm just going to keep listening. The beautiful thing about a blog is that it's always here to listen and to allow you to vent. I'm much better at writing out my frustrations, rather than addressing them first hand and possibly arguing. Another Carnegie principle...avoid arguments. Where do they get you? Nowhere.

--

It feels like Friday and man I wish it was!!!  Instead I've got basketball practice. All I want to do is go home and finish my bathroom and just relax. This week, while enlightening, has also been exhausting. I've absorbed a lot, learned a lot, listened to a lot, helped a lot and thought and processed a ton. This is when I wish Sarah was there to catch my head on her shoulder and just feel that comfort...even for just half a second would refresh me. That luxury is coming sooner rather than later I feel. I can't wait.

"Circle me and the needle moves gracefully
Back and forth, if my heart was a compass you'd be North
Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall
Wherever you go, if my heart was a house you'd be home"

Good Vibes :)

And just like that, things can turn around!

Got Lexi back and got my keys back!

The keys were the least of my worries, honestly... Those can be replaced, Lexi cannot. Yesterday, my coworker Charlton and I ventured down back into the woods where she disappeared to in search of her. This time I was determined. When I left the house, I paused for a second before locking the door behind me and said out loud "I'm coming home with my dog today."

We were down there for all of maybe 5 minutes when I heard him say "I SEE HER!!!" I went to where he was standing so she could see me, and he went to the other side of the giant thorn bush. While I talked to her, he reached in and grabbed her out. She was BURIED deep in that damn thicket.  She had ants crawling all over her and looked scared and pitiful. I wrapped her in a towel and took her straight to the bathroom for a long bath.

It took her a while to calm down, but it was nothing a McDouble couldn't cure. She slept soundly in her new bed in her new home last night. I'm SO happy she is safe and can't wait for her to meet Sarah :)

-SN- my keys ended up being in my roommates shorts pockets....I guess a day of drinks by the pool will make all parties involved forget little details like that!!!

I'm in such a good mood today. I went home for lunch to take out Lexi and spend some time with her. We watched some tv together and she begged off me for some chicken salad. She has some dachshund in her for sure!!!

As I sat there with her enjoying just sitting in calm for a while, my mind immediately went to Sarah. All I could think about was her being there too. Not just for a random lunch, but all the time. I can see coming home every day and seeing her and Lexi for lunch and it just made my heart smile. Big smile!

I can't wait for tomorrow when Sarah comes through that door and gets to meet Lexi and we can spend some time together with her.

Missing

A few things have gone missing... The most important being my dog, and the second being my damn car keys.

Poof! Vanished...

One of them is roaming around in the woods behind my apartment. Although as I sit here, bouncing my leg, biting the shit out of my nails and watching the minutes slowly go by, I'm just praying she stays where she's at and we find her tonight.

I've collaborated a little search & rescue effort tonight. Lexi was home from the shelter I adopted her from for all of about 5 minutes before she found a hole in the dog park fence and escaped. She ran across the road and into the woods behind my apartment. I thought she was gone somewhere in Greensboro until my roommate saw her little face in there yesterday. She promptly disappeared back into hiding when she saw him though. Apparently she loves hide and seek. She is the master!!!!

I'm tired. I'm worried. I'm annoyed. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm hot, which I'm sure she is too. I just feel terrible about all of this. I rescued her to give her a better life...not so she could camp out in 95 degree weather. She is beyond sweet and I just don't get why this is all happening. I tried to do something nice and adopt a dog who needed to be taken care of, and then she's just gone? That's not right and it pisses me off.

A million thoughts have been going through my head. From how hot it is, to what bugs I'm sure are eating her alive. What does she do all day? Is she so scared that she can't even really move? I wish I could crawl inside her little head and tell her everything is ok and that I'm only here to take care of her and love her.

Sarah didn't even get to meet her yet which is one of the main reasons all of this pisses me off. A dog we both loved from the second we saw her adorable little face online. I was going to surprise Sarah when she came in to town last weekend by having Lexi in her cage when she got there. Instead it was umm...Lexi is gone.

I feel like someone ripped my heart out my chest. I feel like the worst owner ever. None of this was my fault, seeing as how I didn't kick a hole in the damn fence. But I know that I am somehow still responsible for it happening because I'm the human...I'm the smart one (who didn't check the fence) and it is my job to take care of things that can't care for themselves.

5:00 can't get here fast enough so I can hopefully find the little furball down where she was yesterday and rescue her. I just pray to God that she is not sick from the heat, lack of water etc. Please God...I want this dog. I can't take feeling like I'm going to burst into tears at any second...that's not me. I just want her safe and sound.