Like a Pinball

Coming at you live from lovely, but strange (in numerous ways), Boone, NC. Sarah is here for business. Oh and I'm the unemployed pinball tagging along. I'm at the little bar that is attached to the place her company has us staying--a studio apartment.

Lexi made the road trip with us and is enjoying her little vacay. Perhaps you noticed that little nuisance of a word "unemployed?"

Yup. That's me again.

I've always been told from family and friends that I was destined to hold a good job and make good money. So far, not so good. Since starting to work for State Farm, I can't help but feel like a friggin' pinball. Bouncing from road block to road block it seems. With my first agent, he hired me because one of his employees was leaving to have a bone marrow transplant. But a month and a half after I started, his blood tests were doing much better, so they decided to hold off on the surgery. DO NOT GET ME WRONG--I am super happy for him that he is doing well. I would never wish that on anyone. Job wise, it did inconvenience me because my agent couldn't afford to keep me on staff with him staying. Both people felt awful, but my boss vowed to find me a spot somewhere else.

Which got me to my next dilemma. His solution was to send me to TWO agents. Where I would work part tim, at each office, every other day...which equalled out to full time. Minus no paid time off, etc. For the past two moths-ish, I've been going back and forth between Greensboro and Kernersville trying my best to produce the numbers each agent wanted. See...my goal is to be an agent. And lucky me, my former agent portrayed me as much more experienced than I was, so I went into the situation not knowing that their expectations for me were that of someone who had been with SF for a year at least. Cool beans..

I went in every day and tried my best to produce, produce, produce. But I soon learned that this scenario was not working in anyone's favor. Splitting time meant I couldn't build repor with customers and made appointment setting for myself incredibly difficult. On a positive note, I experienced two new agencies and got to see how I WOULDN'T run my own agency one day. But I digress...I wasn't putting up numbers that would bode well for me down the road when it came time for my review with the big dogs who determine whether or not you should e an agent. I met with one of my bosses and kind of bowed out gracefully. He agreed that I needed to be one place and build my numbers and really grow with the company. He vowed to help me find a full time spot somewhere...but it coould take time... I have an interview Monday with another agent that I'm praying bodes well for me.

So here I sit. Alone at a bar in Boone waiting for Sarah to get off work. It's almost 8. I've been alone for the past few days in a studio apartment, minus the handful of hours that she's not been at work. Or thinking about work and checking her email every 4 seconds. She says she doesn't want to "be the job" but I know her better and she worries so much about stuff that she is always the job. No matter what she's doing career wise. For an employer, that's probably a great quality. For me, it sucks sometimes. Especially now when I have NOTHING going on. It's not her fault and I'm not mad about it, but it's more of just a frustrating thing sometimes.

Stress exhausts her and I wish I could just teach her how to let go sometimes. But hell, maybe that's why I'm in the position I'm in! I just feel lost because I have a great education, a good head on my shoulders, and I'd like to think I'm a pretty smart person...yet I can't hold onto a job. I'm sick of worrying about money and potentially not being the provider I strive to be. I know there's something out there for me, but I just can't put my finger on it. So badly I want my own business...Sarah and I have discussed so many times...but I don't have the means to. Maybe I just haven't figured out what it's supposed to be yet.

I can feel myself getting to the point where I boil over and have a tiny meltdown. I just want to be a successful person that people, especially the people I love and care for deeply, respect. Right now I feel like a big joke and I don't know where
to go or what to do.

Damn this wine is tasty..