There are things in life that happen that piss you off. You get over them as a whole, but then something reminds you of the thing that pisses you off. And you get really angry recalling the whole ordeal. This week has been a bitch for everyone I know. Something just triggered something in the past that pissed me off. I mean it has my blood boiling sitting here thinking about it. It's something that I warned would resurface from time to time. This is one of those times. I don't want to talk about it. I know I'll be over it in a bit, but for now I'm pissed. Loud music and a good work out. It's kinda twisted, but sometimes I like being this pissed...
7.28.2011
7.22.2011
You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there. Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.
The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.
-Bob Marley
7.19.2011
8 months
I just got back in town from seeing Sarah and taking care of some things for work down in Charlotte. I was lucky enough to get to spend the last 4 and a half days with her. I was so miserable over leaving this morning that I forgot that it was our '8 month' today. I'm not huge on making a big deal out of days like today, but I still like to acknowledge them. Totally slipped my mind this morning. I was sooo upset over leaving. Still am. Mehh...
We had a blast though. It was nice to spend a lot of down time with her and sleep in. relax, etc.
It's always hard being the one who has to leave. I feel bad complaining about this because she has been the one who has 'had to leave' way more than I have. I know it has probably been a lot harder on her than it is for me. I am just so ready to live in the same town. She has a lead on a job at my complex here in GSO, so I'm really really REALLY hoping it pans out for her. There's times like today where I just can't stand being apart from her.
I don't really want to write about it anymore...I don't feel good, I'm tired because I'm sad and don't feel good, and I miss the hell out of my best friend. Need I say more?
We had a blast though. It was nice to spend a lot of down time with her and sleep in. relax, etc.
It's always hard being the one who has to leave. I feel bad complaining about this because she has been the one who has 'had to leave' way more than I have. I know it has probably been a lot harder on her than it is for me. I am just so ready to live in the same town. She has a lead on a job at my complex here in GSO, so I'm really really REALLY hoping it pans out for her. There's times like today where I just can't stand being apart from her.
I don't really want to write about it anymore...I don't feel good, I'm tired because I'm sad and don't feel good, and I miss the hell out of my best friend. Need I say more?
7.06.2011
Great quotes that really hit home for me :)
"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."
— Pablo Neruda
"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
— Robert A. Heinlein (so true for me!)
"The real lover is the one who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space."
— Marilyn Monroe
"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
— Bob Marley
"No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater...The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. And that's the key. It's like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot."
— Sarah Dessen
— Pablo Neruda
"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
— Robert A. Heinlein (so true for me!)
"The real lover is the one who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space."
— Marilyn Monroe
"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
— Bob Marley
"No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater...The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. And that's the key. It's like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot."
— Sarah Dessen
Post-Visit Blues
It never fails. The days immediately following after I see Sarah are just rough. I'm not really outwardly upset or anything like that. It's all definitely internal. I just get the blues..
When we get to spend time together, it's like the world finally clicks. My life feels like every piece is there. Not to be cliche, but when we're apart I honestly feel like a piece of me is missing. But as soon as I see her face for the first time, breathe in all her smells and get my arms around her, everything falls back into place and I feel a hundred times stronger.
I think this go around has been especially heavy on my mind because of what is going on this weekend for her--her brother's wedding. To be honest, I'm scared to death of this weekend. All along I've known this weekend was approaching and now it's finally here. Her whole family will be in town, she'll be surrounded by a bunch of stuffy girls with their cute sundresses, expensive jewelry and their rich, snobby boyfriends. Yay... That's the way things are down there and with it comes the pressure to conform to that exact lifestyle. She struggles with it a lot. She wants to be "normal." Everyone wants to be "normal." Hell, even I would love to be "normal" ... but, my life went down a different path. A path that was difficult, but has actually opened more doors than I ever could have imagine, introduced me to some amazing people, given me some amazing friends and has made me grow into a more mature, more thoughtful and open-minded person.
The journey is long and it is rough. There are setbacks and bumps and twists and turns. But as long as you stay focused, you'll be fine. I'm just worried that the pressure will be wicked intense this weekend. And it's even harder for me to think about because I won't get to talk to her that much. Hardly at all really...
How will I know what's going through her mind? How will I know how she's dealing with seeing her brother get married and I'm sure feeling guilty about shit she shouldn't feel guilty about? I don't want her to freak out on me because of all of this. I so badly just want her to enjoy seeing her big brother make the commitment to the one he loves. I wish she would see it that way instead of just GUY and GIRL getting married because that's what's supposed to happen. I hope she sees it as just two PEOPLE who love each other and have made the decision to profess that love and spend their lives living happily with each other.
I have a tournament this weekend. The last one of the season. Nationals. I'm not even looking forward to it. The only thing I can think about this weekend is her and what she'll be going through. I'm not even excited about basketball. When I think about this weekend, my stomach turns to knots and I feel like I'm going to be sick.
I'll keep saying this until I'm blue in the face... I hate what she is going through. I want to take it all away. Deal with it for her. I've really been thinking about talking to her parents. I doubt her Dad has anything to say to me, so probably more of talking to her Mom. It's really been eating at me lately because I don't think it's fair for only Sarah to have to deal with their poking and prodding. I feel like I can help answer some things, shed some light on things, but most importantly apologize. I feel so bad about it that I dream about it sometimes. I've met them so many times I already remember their faces so well. I know their expressions, I can hear their voices in my head. I really like them a lot and hopefully will have them in my life. It actually makes me sad when Sarah tells me her mom is upset because I remember all of that. I don't want that for her mom either. So I really have this feeling building up inside me that I need/want to sit down and talk with them. They haven't seen me since Easter or since Sarah told them. I don't even know if they would want to talk to me though. It would be a very tough conversation and words can't describe how nervous I would be, but I feel like it needs to happen.
After this wedding is over, it will be all they really have to focus on. So I think it would be a good time to bring me into the picture officially. I don't know... I don't know how Sarah feels. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I just know that I want everything to be ok and I know in time it will be, I just have to keep reminding Sarah of that.
She's doing well with it whether she knows/believes it or not.
Tough times don't last, but tough people do... That keeps playing through my head over and over and over because it's true.
I can't write about this anymore. I'm trying not to think about it anymore, but that's very hard. When someone looks at you and says don't think about a cheeseburger....what's the first thing you think of? Right.
This week is going to be hard for me. Internally. I foresee me going into my little 'dark place' for a few days until I know how everything is going to unfold. Which of course means quality time in front of the tv watching the Twilight movies. I'm so cool!
When we get to spend time together, it's like the world finally clicks. My life feels like every piece is there. Not to be cliche, but when we're apart I honestly feel like a piece of me is missing. But as soon as I see her face for the first time, breathe in all her smells and get my arms around her, everything falls back into place and I feel a hundred times stronger.
I think this go around has been especially heavy on my mind because of what is going on this weekend for her--her brother's wedding. To be honest, I'm scared to death of this weekend. All along I've known this weekend was approaching and now it's finally here. Her whole family will be in town, she'll be surrounded by a bunch of stuffy girls with their cute sundresses, expensive jewelry and their rich, snobby boyfriends. Yay... That's the way things are down there and with it comes the pressure to conform to that exact lifestyle. She struggles with it a lot. She wants to be "normal." Everyone wants to be "normal." Hell, even I would love to be "normal" ... but, my life went down a different path. A path that was difficult, but has actually opened more doors than I ever could have imagine, introduced me to some amazing people, given me some amazing friends and has made me grow into a more mature, more thoughtful and open-minded person.
The journey is long and it is rough. There are setbacks and bumps and twists and turns. But as long as you stay focused, you'll be fine. I'm just worried that the pressure will be wicked intense this weekend. And it's even harder for me to think about because I won't get to talk to her that much. Hardly at all really...
How will I know what's going through her mind? How will I know how she's dealing with seeing her brother get married and I'm sure feeling guilty about shit she shouldn't feel guilty about? I don't want her to freak out on me because of all of this. I so badly just want her to enjoy seeing her big brother make the commitment to the one he loves. I wish she would see it that way instead of just GUY and GIRL getting married because that's what's supposed to happen. I hope she sees it as just two PEOPLE who love each other and have made the decision to profess that love and spend their lives living happily with each other.
I have a tournament this weekend. The last one of the season. Nationals. I'm not even looking forward to it. The only thing I can think about this weekend is her and what she'll be going through. I'm not even excited about basketball. When I think about this weekend, my stomach turns to knots and I feel like I'm going to be sick.
I'll keep saying this until I'm blue in the face... I hate what she is going through. I want to take it all away. Deal with it for her. I've really been thinking about talking to her parents. I doubt her Dad has anything to say to me, so probably more of talking to her Mom. It's really been eating at me lately because I don't think it's fair for only Sarah to have to deal with their poking and prodding. I feel like I can help answer some things, shed some light on things, but most importantly apologize. I feel so bad about it that I dream about it sometimes. I've met them so many times I already remember their faces so well. I know their expressions, I can hear their voices in my head. I really like them a lot and hopefully will have them in my life. It actually makes me sad when Sarah tells me her mom is upset because I remember all of that. I don't want that for her mom either. So I really have this feeling building up inside me that I need/want to sit down and talk with them. They haven't seen me since Easter or since Sarah told them. I don't even know if they would want to talk to me though. It would be a very tough conversation and words can't describe how nervous I would be, but I feel like it needs to happen.
After this wedding is over, it will be all they really have to focus on. So I think it would be a good time to bring me into the picture officially. I don't know... I don't know how Sarah feels. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I just know that I want everything to be ok and I know in time it will be, I just have to keep reminding Sarah of that.
She's doing well with it whether she knows/believes it or not.
Tough times don't last, but tough people do... That keeps playing through my head over and over and over because it's true.
I can't write about this anymore. I'm trying not to think about it anymore, but that's very hard. When someone looks at you and says don't think about a cheeseburger....what's the first thing you think of? Right.
This week is going to be hard for me. Internally. I foresee me going into my little 'dark place' for a few days until I know how everything is going to unfold. Which of course means quality time in front of the tv watching the Twilight movies. I'm so cool!
7.01.2011
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